She's Still Gone

The posts this week are so completely different than I had planned. I had different photos for different days, all in an attempt to catch up. But everything changed in an instant. My dad called me around midnight Tuesday night to tell us that Erin went to be with Jesus. And my week has been topsy turvy ever since. Yesterday we (Mom, Sandi, and I) opened the store planning to be open all day. We were open for a half hour and decided we just couldn't do it. We cried at the sight of each other and cried when customers came in. . . it just didn't work. So we closed.

We decided to go to her house, take her family some flowers that were so Erin it almost hurt (bright and happy and beautiful), and then go to where her life ended to release balloons. Our attempt to let go of the little friend so full of life.

At her house, everyone was gathered in her bedroom. So that where we spent our time. Trying to find pieces of Erin to connect to and we did.

--Erin was going to start teaching Kindergarten in January. She was going to decorate her classroom in Dr. Suess characters. She had a big Cat in the Hat, clean up machine, which was going to be her cleaning chart. She had Thing 1 and Thing 2 holding her class rules. She had plans of making Cat in the Hat Hats for all her student. Even had the Red and White felt purchased. She had a darling RED dress made from Cat in that Hat fabric. She had all her kinds of fun little prizes picked out for her students, along with wrapping paper to wrap them up.  Erin, I would have loved to be in your class. You would have been such a fun teacher. . . Erin, why did you have to go?????

--She had a big, BIG, stuffed animal sitting on her bed. Something she got for her class but ended up using as a pillow. So comforting to hug it. . .

--on her mirror there was a 'sign' that said, "Women who behave rarely make history." So totally Erin we had to smile through our tears.

--Her Bible next to her bed. I looked through it and cried and cried. The verses she circled, were so evidently taken to heart. She lived those verses. The ones that stuck out to me the most were Galatians 6: 7-10

7	¶ Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8	For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9	And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10	As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

Her testimony could be summed up in those verses. She sowed well, and yes, sometimes she was weary but she held fast to the God who keeps His promises.

--one little 'sign' she had sitting on her book shelf said, "Life is not waiting for the storms to pass, it is learning to dance in the rain." She did that. Our little happy dancer. Erin, I'll try to dance but it's so hard right now. . . 

I had all kinds of little hopes and dreams for our relationship. In a couple years, I was hoping to watch her give herself to the man she loved so much. Then, I was gonna watch her little children grow, and she was going to watch mine. We were going to be friends and our children were going to be friends. We were going to laugh together over our silly children and our clumsy mistakes as moms. We were going to learn from each other, and pray for each other. . . and in one single moment, it's all gone. This is spoken from a heart who didn't know her extremely well, but who still considered her it's little buddy and friend, she honestly felt like a relation of some kind. . .  The people who knew her way better than I did, had even more hopes and dreams. I am struggling with anger and denial, but I can't imagine what all they are going through. Please, pray for them not me. Sure I am struggling, but I didn't lose a sister, a daughter, a 'girlfriend', or a best friend. I lost my friend but they lost so much more. . . 

Yesterday, Mom, Sandi, and I released balloons where she died. In an attempt to release her to her new life. We released 4, 1. to represent Erin, who has gone on to Heaven, and then 1 for each of us to release her from our hearts into Eternity.  The amazing thing is that one little balloon went off by itself, and the three that represented the hearts releasing her stayed together. A God thing really. Brings tears though. 

I know Erin is having so much fun right now. She is dancing with Jesus, singing her heart out, and keeping the angels laughing with her little antics. I wouldn't wish her back. But I am struggling with the whole she left in my life. It makes me so hungry for Heaven. A land where there are no goodbyes. The reassurance that I WILL! see her again is so comforting. I am so grateful for that. It makes the goodbye have hope. I know we will have endless ages together. I only hope I can live my life as well and as fully as she did. 

I love you, Erin. Miss you already, my dear.