Weak

I have this ideal of perfection--as in I need to be perfect in order to be loved or valued. In that ideal there also lies an ideal of strength--I need to be strong, a strong Christian, able to handle everything that comes my way, and make sure I don't bother God with too many things.

I have fallen VERY short of my ideals. I am currently the neediest, weakest, sometimes angriest, and least perfect person I know.

The past year has been so hard. My church went/continues to go through a really tough time, I had an identity change (from daughter of my parents, to wife of my husband), and my friend died. My soul feels like it's been through the wringer, then hung out to dry in the middle of a Colorado windstorm. Which is something my Abba knows I need more than anything. I have yet to find a place in the Bible where self sufficiency is commended. Where earthly perfection is possible. Where love is something you earn. Where value is found in something I do.

I struggle with being ok with where God has me right now. I just want to move forward to when I will  feel strong and well or back to when Erin was still alive. But I can't and it's wrong to pine for things I can't have. I need to accept where God has me, as awful and painful as it is because HE has chosen this  moment for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need and what I want. He knows sometimes my need and my want don't quite line up, and He is loving enough to give me what I need in those times. There is something for me to learn RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. Something I wouldn't learn if I was "perfect and strong", to KNOW that:

"I am a child of God.

I am the patient of the One Who came to heal the sick.

I belong to the the God who makes all things NEW, WHOLE, & COMPLETE"

and that to know that even though life is hard, GOD IS INCREDIBLY GOOD to me!