dear Erin

Dear Erin, 

Sometimes I do ok. And then it hits me all over again. 

The deep, exhausted sleep.

The eleven o'clock phone call.. The unbelief. The asking, "What did you say??"

The darkness. Oh, the darkness. Reading about Heaven, trying to realize it all. The numbness. The "whys??" You lying there in your pretty yellow dress. Not looking at all like my Erin. You, HOME, while we place your body in the awful CO dirt. 

Erin, I miss you. 

I still can't believe it's true. Exactly a year ago, you were alive. How can it be possible that you're gone. Really gone. That I won't see you as a bride, and then as a mommy. That my dear friend with eyes and a smile that went soul deep. . . how can you be gone, Erin? 

Your moms eyes. So like your own. When they fill with that deep longing for you. . . It's about all I can do to hold myself together. I want to get angry at God for taking you when we needed you so much. 

Since you have been gone I have gained so many new and beautiful friends, but Erin I hate that you had to go away for me to find them. Why couldn't I have had both?? Oh, Erin. . . I just miss you today.

I wonder if it will ever feel really soul deep real that you are gone. I wonder if I will ever not get viciously angry over nothing and everything. I wonder if this deep ache will ever dull.. I wonder if my brain will ever be normal again. 

One of your mom's friends told her that we weren't made to deal with death. I found that so comforting. YOu know in the Garden, God's plan wasn't for us to ever die. It was perfect and happy. Sin entered, and with sin came the awful separation called death. We have death because of sin. Death wasn't God's idea. I have often felt guilty for being so sad and for not being able to 'get over it'. But that set me free in a way. It set me free to mourn for you. I know God took you for a reason and I know HE IS STILL GOOD. But I also know that separations of this kind weren't His idea. I know that HE understands how painful this is and that He doesn't expect the consequences of sin to be easy. I know He holds me when the ache is something my whole body feels. He enters in to my suffering. He doesn't take it away. But He is there with me. No matter what. He is SO GOOD to me!!! 

Erin, I don't know how people are able to cope with death outside of God. I KNOW I am going to see you again. I know and feel that God is with me on this journey of suffering. How people face these trials without God. . . Oh Erin, I don't know how they do it. 

I miss you, Erin. I miss talking with you. Hearing you talk to the customers here at the store. Your beautiful and priceless giggle. Your spunk and how you were ok with just being you. Your heart for God and for others to find Him. I miss you dear, sweet girl. I can't wait to talk about life with you in Heaven. For you to show me your favorite spots, and to hear your giggle about your fun experiences there. 

I love you, Erin. Please tell my baby cousin 'hi' for me. 

-Brit