dear Erin

Dear Erin,

Today marks your first year in Heaven. I can't believe it's been a year. In fact, it's still hard to believe that you're really, really gone. A part of me doesn't want to write this letter,  it wants to snap my computer closed and hurl it out the window. Some people say that this letter doesn't matter anyway, that the people we write to can't read it anyway, but I think God will let you read it.

This year has been easier than I thought it would be. I guess easier than I wanted it to be. I mean you died, I won't see you until I die, or Jesus comes back. I miss you so much, but the black hole I expected to be in my heart isn't there. Mom says it's God's grace. I think she's right. I think I was imagining experiencing death apart from God.  Erin, I don't know how I would make it without God. Without the hope of seeing you again. . .  Oh! it would be awful. This year WAS hard. Don't get me wrong!! It was just different than I imagined it. I experienced more anger than I think I have ever experienced in my life. You know me, I often get upset, fly off the handle, etc. But this was different. This was a deep anger, an anger that would consume me over the stupidest stuff. People would probably say it was because I was angry at God. But honestly, it didn't feel like anger towards Him. Just anger. Anger I didn't completely understand. I miss you, Erin. There IS a hole in my heart. Just not a black hole. More like beautiful, light-filled hole. One that only your spirit could leave, and only God's grace could touch in comfort. I feel sooooooo blessed to have been able to know you. You taught me so much, Erin. To be comfortable in my own skin, to live life like it's a gift, to remember that I only live once, to reach out to others, especially the lost. I am a better person to have had you as my friend.

The store isn't the same without you, girl. You left me as the only mess maker. Thanks for bumping Sandi every once in a while so I don't feel so alone. ;) I miss your humming/singing. You kept the store a happy place with your songs. Our customers miss you too. You blessed so many of them. We have a few memorials around the store and your life is constantly touching others. Something only you could do. Not be here but still touch lives, I mean.

Today we have the most beautiful fluffy snow. If you had anything to do with that, thank you. Last year, if I remember right, it was ugly and over cast, followed by some of the most awful news I have ever received. Today, well it just reminds me of God's grace this past year.  Covering even the most awful circumstances with beauty.

I love you, Erin.

-Brit

"I sure miss you;

 Life will never be the same with you not here

Each passing day has brought much pain

But with God's grace my strength remains,

I sure miss you, 

but Heaven's sweeter with you there."