this week. . . I am so glad I don't have to repeat it. As most of you know, I had another really bad breakdown on Sunday. So this week has been hard. I haven't spent one day alone. I feel like such an awful person. Like something must be seriously wrong with me. 6 weeks postpartum and still can't be a mommy. Shouldn't my meds be working and helping me? Shouldn't God be healing me by now?
I was anointed on Sunday, God told me He would heal me and I have seen improvement everyday. But some days it's hard to stay strong and keep the faith. Today is one of those. I have cried a lot and struggled to keep my head above the water. It's one of those days where I have to tell myself to trust God. Where I have to choose to believe His promises even though I feel like He is failing me. The deepest desire I have right now is to be well, to be able to be a mommy and wife again. To be able to stay at home by myself. To just feel like a normal human being. Where that was once a desperate feeling, it's now just a deep deep longing.
Days like today, I want to run up to every person I meet and ask for a hug. Then tell them to praise God for their normal fully functioning brain. The last thing you want is for your healthy brain to be taken away from you. It's a nightmare to not be able to think rationally. I have had moments, actually hours of sanity this week. Where I can actually think rationally and I look at the thoughts I am thinking right now as completely ridiculous, where I can look at my child and feel a bit of confidence in being a mommy. But when your brain is broken. . . it's broken. You can't process things or work through them. They just circle and circle. All you see is the blackness. Hope is something you have to choose to believe you have. You have to remind yourself that things will get better that this won't last. You have to fight off the guilt that you feel with everything inside of you.
I struggle to want to live on days like this. Again, when you think rationally your will to live is tremendous so I'm sure it's hard for you to imagine that and I'm sure it's easy to tell someone how selfish thoughts of suicide and death are. But when you're in it, you know that death is the only place of true relief and healing. Especially if you are going to heaven. Then your will to be well kind of takes over and you would do just about anything to just feel well again.
I know this post is kind of a haphazard post. It doesn't really flow. But it's where I am and sometimes I don't flow very well.
It's hard to think of God letting me go through this. I look at it and am like what's the point? I mean I can't think rationally, I am pretty much dependent on other people, extremely weak and in need of God, my poor baby girl and husband are left with someone who is just a shell of her former self, there is fear tremendous fear. I look at it all and think how unfair, how unfair that I have to suffer and that I have to be such a burden to the people around me. But in all reality, each depression I have been through and come out standing up, on very shaky legs but standing none the less, I discover a deeper relationship with God, a greater dependence on God and a faith in Him that wasn't there before. I believe that each depression has stripped away a bit of my flesh. I know I will come out of this one and see the same thing. Satan might mean it for evil but God always turns it into good. He, in His great love, allows me to suffer so that I might one day see His face. I know how hard it is for me to watch other people suffer and how I would do just about anything to take their suffering away from them if I could. I can't imagine what goes through God's heart when He allows His children to suffer because He knows the outcome will outweigh the current struggle. I can't imagine what it must be like to be able to take away the suffering but knowing that you can't because it's not good for this person to have it all good all the time. I think that takes a tremendous amount of love. Something I don't deserve. Knowing that He will bring me through this, He will bring healing to my mind, and that He will bring me out of it a little more refined and pure-- I don't deserve that. A thousand times I fail Him and still He loves me, loves me enough to make me into someone a bit more like Himself. No, that's not fair but in a completely different way than I meant it before. It's doesn't seem fair that I, a sinner, could be so loved by so great a God. It doesn't seem fair that I, the tiny created being on earth who constantly turns her face from her creator, could be so cared for by the One Who created her. That He doesn't just throw me away and start over is amazing. He actually takes time to refine me, to draw me even closer to Himself. No that's not fair. I deserve far less than that. The darkness may be consuming at times but He is GOOD. Far better to me than I deserve.
Praying for you!
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