messy

I feel a bit like a child sitting in the middle of a very messy playroom. There are toys and/or fragments of toys all over the place, it needs to be cleaned up but the child has no idea where to start. My heart is complete chaos, there are pieces of my once organized boxes all over the place, and I have no idea where to go from here. I'm terrified to try to clean it up myself and terrified to let God do it. Everything went all topsy-turvy and upside on me. . . I don't feel like I know the person I am these days, and I'm really scared to trust God. . . with anything.

It's frustrating to me.

This is not the first time my trust has been shattered. This is not the first time I have come face to face with what I really am. It happens a lot over time and you know what, God has always gotten me through. So why is it that my first reaction is still-- to run from God. He is the ONE PERSON who really is what He says He is. The One constant. The only being that is truly trustworthy. He is TRUTH itself. . .  and guess what, I turn and run the opposite direction, crawl deeper and deeper into myself until it feels like even He can't find me.

It's ridiculous really. Apart from Christ there is no safe place for my heart to land. Why, oh why, do I run from Him? But I did and now I have a mess I don't know how to clean up.

I don't feel like I have the energy to clean it up. I don't remember other situations doing this to me. I don't remember ever being so weak, so lacking in will-power, that I couldn't pick up my sword and fight. I usually have one last little measure of strength to fight off the enemy. But this time. I don't know if I can do it.

Maybe that's ok. Maybe that's right where God wants me.

--> The very end of any effort Brittany has.

Maybe this is something God has to do.

"Rescue Me, my God, my King,

the waters are rising and I cannot breathe.

Wrap your arms all around me,

Carry me over, Carry me over."