weary and in pieces

goodness. . . I haven't posted anything in almost 4 months. . .  so sorry. . . let me explain.

This year started with a lot of excitement. We have a baby coming in September. Which was an answer to much prayer and a lot of dreams. So excited!!! And a bit scared too. It seemed to me like a healthy pregnancy was well, like the odds were against me. So we didn't tell a lot of people.  Mostly close friends and family. We were also excited about our upcoming mission trip to Mexico. I have never been south of the border, orphans are close to my heart, and missions, well missions have always been extremely dear to me. Life was good.

and then. . .

In one weeks time it felt like someone picked up my world and gave a good shake, oh and turned it upside down for good measure.  I discovered that once again I had trusted a person who wasn't trustworthy, I got sick, really sick with my pregnancy, and my husband left, without me, on the mission trip to Mexico (for 11 days).

My life grew very dark. I didn't know that being pregnant would be that hard on me emotionally, add into the mix the feelings of betrayal and all the other things that go with broken trust, and the frustration of being sick ALL DAY AND NIGHT. It wasn't a pretty time of my life. In fact it still isn't. It's a bit brighter than it was though.

It felt like most of the relationships in my life were falling to pieces. I was spending most of my days on the couch watching movies or sleeping because of feeling so sick. God felt far away and I didn't have the energy to try to find Him. I have never been strong emotionally or physically, but goodness it's been a while since I have felt so extremely weak. Every place that had felt safe before, felt terrifying now.

I have felt things the last two months that. . . are so ugly, I never thought I could come to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted my child. But I found that place and many other place's quite similar during the last two months.

It's so hard to discover so many ugly things living in your heart. Things you have allowed to grow. Discovering what an extremely proud and selfish being you have become. The defensive feeling that rises up in you at the discovery, all the but's, and if only's.

Quite frankly, I am still a big, broken mess. A bit unsure of which end is up. I feel lost spiritually and physically. . .  I wish I could say that I am stronger because of all this darkness, that my walk with God has reached amazing heights, that I am feeling so blessed and joyful, but I can't. I do have peace for the most part. I know God is there but to say that my spiritual life is out of this world amazing would be a lie and/or wishful thinking. I don't know when or if it will get better. I just keep taking one day at a time. Honestly it feels a little like starting over. I don't trust myself and right now it's hard to believe that God could really love someone like me. So I try to take one little day at a time. Sometimes I forget all about it and don't even try. Quite often I don't want to try.  I hope and pray that God can redeem the mess I have become.

Jesus Calling, the song Worn by Tenth Avenue North, and my friends blog have become so precious to me. Balm for weary, broken hearts, they are. The focus on clinging to Jesus is so comforting and just the reminder I need.

. . . I guess for tonight, I'll leave it at that. Please don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this post was about.  If you think of me over the next little while, I could for sure use prayer. But I'm not asking for pity. There's a reason I am in this situation right now. I might not understand or enjoy it but there IS a reason.

 I'll leave you with the lyrics to Worn.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .