the (JOY) of mothering

This is a celebration of motherhood. At one point I was afraid I would never get here. But God, in His goodness, has done a great and marvelous work in my heart. He has given me so much JOY!! Especially in the little girl He has given me.

the way she just fits perfectly in my arms,

 the delight the rattle of little toys bring

the fun of after bath time snuggles and conversation,

perfectly curled eyelashes, blinked incredibly slowly turn my heart into absolute mush.

 the delight her little freshly washed curls bring to my heart.

the teary-eyed wonder that happens almost every time she smiles her beautiful, bright eyed smile at me. 

the times when I can't wait for her to wake up, 

or nap time rockings that are sometimes more soothing and comforting for me than for her.

 cute little button noses,

darling, perfectly formed little hands with dimples for knuckles 

 sitting beside her, listening to her little voice, social cough, and occasional laugh,

walking into a room and seeing that I'm not home alone.

There are hard things about being a mommy. But they're mostly selfish things. 

There are hard things about being a wife. But they're mostly selfish things.

There are hard things about being single. But they're mostly selfish things. 

So HERE'S to the GOOD & BEAUTIFUL things!!!

They're all around if we would only open our eyes to see them!!

A Sacred Calling and the Redemption of an Ugly Heart

I've been struggling ever since Avi was born. Struggling with this whole thing called motherhood. I had/have postpartum depression. Through that/this time I have accepted a lot of information from Satan about motherhood. I accepted a lot of his views. I am not proud of it. I didn't even realize it was happening at the time. 

Satan convinced me that being a mom was all about me. That Avi was the cause of all my struggles-- my sleep deprivation, my ppd, being sick through my pregnancy, really the cause of my 'misery'. That being a mommy was supposed to make {ME} feel better and it wasn't.  I also accepted the idea that getting pregnant just sorta happened, that it was not God ordained. I got myself into this 'fix' and it was up to me now to 'get myself out of it' but there was no way to get out of it. I started to think that all my struggles with motherhood were my punishment for wanting a child and trying to get pregnant. 

Really it became all about {me}. It was ugly. I couldn't figure out why I was struggling with motherhood so badly. I started praying for God to heal my mind and redeem my heart. He faithfully brought all the ugliness inside of me to my attention. 

The Bible is full of verses saying that children are a blessing and a gift. It only makes sense to have Satan attack that and for my flesh question it. Satan loves to twist beauty into something extremely ugly. 

Motherhood is a sacred calling. Children are a gift from God, a reward is actually what the Bible says they are. Satan and our culture has made both of those ugly. Children seem to be commonly accepted as curses. Sadly, the comments that even some Christian mothers say about their children and motherhood lead you to believe that motherhood is a chore, just not even worth it, and children are such a curse. I know I am guilty of that. For that I am sooooo sorry. I don't want to have that view/attitude and am so grateful to God for bringing it to my attention and for giving me a glimpse of what His view of motherhood really is. It's extremely humbling. Extremely beautiful as well. 

God gave me Avi to raise. He entrusted a little soul into {my} care. He somehow trusted me enough to put her there. He gave me this beautiful little girl to love and to hopefully someday take to Heaven with me. The ONLY thing that will go into eternity with me. I can't take money, I can't take clothes, I can't take my house, the only thing I can take are the little people he gives me. Somehow he trusts me enough to put little souls into my care. That baffles me and humbles me. 

I used to think that being a parent wasn't a big deal. That to really make a difference in the kingdom of God I needed to be a missionary. I never realized that being a parent, living here in the states was a really big deal. A huge responsibility. That while some people he calls to live in other countries as missionaries and that is important, it is not any more important than the calling of being a parent. You don't just HAVE children. They are specifically and purposefully given to you. You with the help of God are responsible to raise them to serve God and love Him. It's kind of a big deal, y'know. It doesn't just happen. 

{I} have to be removed from the picture. It's all about {God} and what {He} wants me to do. It's all about the calling, the sacred calling, He has put on my life. So humbling. I can't imagine why He would trust me enough to do this. That He would give me this beautiful little soul to raise. 

I feel like I am doing a horrible job of explaining the picture of motherhood that He gave me. But I felt like I needed to at least try to put it into writing. In hopes of encouraging another mother who has been deceived by Satan, but also as a means of 'drawing a line in the sand' to say this is where I stand. I have been working on replacing the mindset of Satan with the mindset of God and it hasn't been easy. Satan has been very upset about it. His attacks on me are very real and very scary. I wanted to write it out to have some accountability and to make the discovery of TRUTH more 'real'. It might sound weird but it's something that has always helped me. I am humbled to think of God calling me to this great thing of parenthood/motherhood. I am also so grateful for His faithfulness in revealing TRUTH to His children, that no matter how ugly their hearts, He does NOT give up on them. 

"He who has called you is faithful,

and He will do it."

I Thessalonians 5:24