A Sacred Calling and the Redemption of an Ugly Heart

I've been struggling ever since Avi was born. Struggling with this whole thing called motherhood. I had/have postpartum depression. Through that/this time I have accepted a lot of information from Satan about motherhood. I accepted a lot of his views. I am not proud of it. I didn't even realize it was happening at the time. 

Satan convinced me that being a mom was all about me. That Avi was the cause of all my struggles-- my sleep deprivation, my ppd, being sick through my pregnancy, really the cause of my 'misery'. That being a mommy was supposed to make {ME} feel better and it wasn't.  I also accepted the idea that getting pregnant just sorta happened, that it was not God ordained. I got myself into this 'fix' and it was up to me now to 'get myself out of it' but there was no way to get out of it. I started to think that all my struggles with motherhood were my punishment for wanting a child and trying to get pregnant. 

Really it became all about {me}. It was ugly. I couldn't figure out why I was struggling with motherhood so badly. I started praying for God to heal my mind and redeem my heart. He faithfully brought all the ugliness inside of me to my attention. 

The Bible is full of verses saying that children are a blessing and a gift. It only makes sense to have Satan attack that and for my flesh question it. Satan loves to twist beauty into something extremely ugly. 

Motherhood is a sacred calling. Children are a gift from God, a reward is actually what the Bible says they are. Satan and our culture has made both of those ugly. Children seem to be commonly accepted as curses. Sadly, the comments that even some Christian mothers say about their children and motherhood lead you to believe that motherhood is a chore, just not even worth it, and children are such a curse. I know I am guilty of that. For that I am sooooo sorry. I don't want to have that view/attitude and am so grateful to God for bringing it to my attention and for giving me a glimpse of what His view of motherhood really is. It's extremely humbling. Extremely beautiful as well. 

God gave me Avi to raise. He entrusted a little soul into {my} care. He somehow trusted me enough to put her there. He gave me this beautiful little girl to love and to hopefully someday take to Heaven with me. The ONLY thing that will go into eternity with me. I can't take money, I can't take clothes, I can't take my house, the only thing I can take are the little people he gives me. Somehow he trusts me enough to put little souls into my care. That baffles me and humbles me. 

I used to think that being a parent wasn't a big deal. That to really make a difference in the kingdom of God I needed to be a missionary. I never realized that being a parent, living here in the states was a really big deal. A huge responsibility. That while some people he calls to live in other countries as missionaries and that is important, it is not any more important than the calling of being a parent. You don't just HAVE children. They are specifically and purposefully given to you. You with the help of God are responsible to raise them to serve God and love Him. It's kind of a big deal, y'know. It doesn't just happen. 

{I} have to be removed from the picture. It's all about {God} and what {He} wants me to do. It's all about the calling, the sacred calling, He has put on my life. So humbling. I can't imagine why He would trust me enough to do this. That He would give me this beautiful little soul to raise. 

I feel like I am doing a horrible job of explaining the picture of motherhood that He gave me. But I felt like I needed to at least try to put it into writing. In hopes of encouraging another mother who has been deceived by Satan, but also as a means of 'drawing a line in the sand' to say this is where I stand. I have been working on replacing the mindset of Satan with the mindset of God and it hasn't been easy. Satan has been very upset about it. His attacks on me are very real and very scary. I wanted to write it out to have some accountability and to make the discovery of TRUTH more 'real'. It might sound weird but it's something that has always helped me. I am humbled to think of God calling me to this great thing of parenthood/motherhood. I am also so grateful for His faithfulness in revealing TRUTH to His children, that no matter how ugly their hearts, He does NOT give up on them. 

"He who has called you is faithful,

and He will do it."

I Thessalonians 5:24

the battle continues

I don't know what to write today. Except for: I am so tired of feeling like this. So ready for healing to be complete. To feel like myself again. But depression doesn't work like that. It's all 'one day at a time' until suddenly you realize you are better. I know there has been improvement already but I'm still not whole. I still face fears and tears. I still wake up each morning knowing that it's going to be a battle all day long, go to bed at night exhausted and knowing that I get to do it all again tomorrow. It's hard. I am weary and feel beaten. I want it to be over. Heaven looks so beautiful.

The battle continues.

I am thankful that Avi is so strong. She seems to be very unaffected by her mother's turmoil. She sleeps and grows just like any other newborn. So so grateful for that.

I am thankful for my 'maid' Heidi. She is a life saver!! Takes Avi for me at night so I can focus on healing my brain at night with sleep.

I am thankful for my sweet husband. Who prays with me over and over. Who keeps me calm and reminds me that it won't always be this way.

I am thankful that this really is only a season. Healing is coming. I will get better.

though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Today has been black. So dark. So hopeless. Mentally/emotionally it's up there with the worst days in this depression so far. I feel like a grape being pressed, all the life being squeezed out of me.

I woke up from a very fitful nap and felt like I was really losing my mind. I can't remember ever feeling like that before. Darkness was like a pond and I was being held under the murky depths-- drowning.

I cried out to God. I struggled against the desire to be bitter. Wanted to throw a fit, scream, 'how can you do this to me??' But somehow I managed not to.

I moved from my couch to lay under the shade tree outside. My precious daughter in my arms and the breeze blowing over me. Staring at all the green, I started saying Thank you. . . for the patch of yellow showing up in the tree, the promise of fall, my favorite season, in the air, the beautiful breeze Avi and I were enjoying, for the sweet little girl alive in my arms. I knew I was going to have to say thank you for the darkness. But I kept pushing it off. Struggling, struggling to be thankful, struggling to trust this God who is allowing me to suffer. The verse in Job kept popping up in my mind, 'though he slay me, yet I will trust Him'.  I couldn't say it. . . I didn't want to trust God.

Finally after wrestling with God for a while, I looked up in the sky and cried, 'Though you drown me in blackness yet will I trust you. I surrender. I don't understand why you are doing this but I choose to trust you and choose to be grateful for it. I choose to believe you are good even when life is hard. This is my stand! I will NOT be moved!'

On this ROCK I stand and will continue to stand. I don't know what He has in mind for me over the next days, weeks, months but I will not give up on my faith in God. I will not let this darkness cause me to loose sight of His goodness and mercy. Today I make that choice.

I choose {gratitude}

This morning I had a really bad reaction to my medication. Anxiety always goes with my depressions. The medication they put me on has a side affect of 'nervousness'. My anxiety went out the window, I thought I was going to lose it. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't physically able to take care of Avi. It was AWFUL. They have switched my meds again. Thankfully this one doesn't have that side affect. All that to say this morning I felt completely hopeless. I hate having to switch up meds. The med that works fantastic for me is not strong enough to work during this time of incredible hormone crazies. I was maxed out on that. Having to find a new med is a little scary for me. Especially after the extra turmoil my new med caused. This morning I was at the end of my rope with hopelessness. 

I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and she made the statement,

"Brittany, you have to {thank} God for this depression."

Thank God for my depression?? For feeling like I am missing out on Avi's first days??  Thank Him for all the anxiety and all the tears? For the hopelessness and sadness?? Really?? I have been asking Him why and feeling like it is a little unfair for me, a new mom, to suffer like this. Thank Him?!?!?

But I knew she was right. I Thessalonians says, "Be thankful [in all circumstances], for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." Ephesians says, "And give thanks for [everything] to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I knew those verses but I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful. The thing is I don't have to feel it, I have to choose it. I didn't even want to choose it. But in Micah it says, ". . . the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Pride says, it isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening. We are required to do what is right, and to walk in humility with God. His Word shows that that would be--Gratitude. Even for depression. 

So today I choose that. I might not feel it. But I choose to be grateful for this time of depression. God has never let me down. He knew this was coming. He isn't in Heaven wringing His hands wondering what to do. God has allowed me to face another depression {FOR A REASON}. I choose to believe that He is using this depression for my good, and has allowed it because it will bring Him the most glory {IN THIS MOMENT}. It's not easy. No, not at all. But after all, God owes me nothing. I am the created, the fallen. He has given me SO much. He died for me. He is always by my side. I am never ever alone, not even in this darkness. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. If He asks me to walk this path again. . . then I will choose to be thankful for it. 

{my little peanut laughing at Granna's jokes}