though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Today has been black. So dark. So hopeless. Mentally/emotionally it's up there with the worst days in this depression so far. I feel like a grape being pressed, all the life being squeezed out of me.

I woke up from a very fitful nap and felt like I was really losing my mind. I can't remember ever feeling like that before. Darkness was like a pond and I was being held under the murky depths-- drowning.

I cried out to God. I struggled against the desire to be bitter. Wanted to throw a fit, scream, 'how can you do this to me??' But somehow I managed not to.

I moved from my couch to lay under the shade tree outside. My precious daughter in my arms and the breeze blowing over me. Staring at all the green, I started saying Thank you. . . for the patch of yellow showing up in the tree, the promise of fall, my favorite season, in the air, the beautiful breeze Avi and I were enjoying, for the sweet little girl alive in my arms. I knew I was going to have to say thank you for the darkness. But I kept pushing it off. Struggling, struggling to be thankful, struggling to trust this God who is allowing me to suffer. The verse in Job kept popping up in my mind, 'though he slay me, yet I will trust Him'.  I couldn't say it. . . I didn't want to trust God.

Finally after wrestling with God for a while, I looked up in the sky and cried, 'Though you drown me in blackness yet will I trust you. I surrender. I don't understand why you are doing this but I choose to trust you and choose to be grateful for it. I choose to believe you are good even when life is hard. This is my stand! I will NOT be moved!'

On this ROCK I stand and will continue to stand. I don't know what He has in mind for me over the next days, weeks, months but I will not give up on my faith in God. I will not let this darkness cause me to loose sight of His goodness and mercy. Today I make that choice.