though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Today has been black. So dark. So hopeless. Mentally/emotionally it's up there with the worst days in this depression so far. I feel like a grape being pressed, all the life being squeezed out of me.

I woke up from a very fitful nap and felt like I was really losing my mind. I can't remember ever feeling like that before. Darkness was like a pond and I was being held under the murky depths-- drowning.

I cried out to God. I struggled against the desire to be bitter. Wanted to throw a fit, scream, 'how can you do this to me??' But somehow I managed not to.

I moved from my couch to lay under the shade tree outside. My precious daughter in my arms and the breeze blowing over me. Staring at all the green, I started saying Thank you. . . for the patch of yellow showing up in the tree, the promise of fall, my favorite season, in the air, the beautiful breeze Avi and I were enjoying, for the sweet little girl alive in my arms. I knew I was going to have to say thank you for the darkness. But I kept pushing it off. Struggling, struggling to be thankful, struggling to trust this God who is allowing me to suffer. The verse in Job kept popping up in my mind, 'though he slay me, yet I will trust Him'.  I couldn't say it. . . I didn't want to trust God.

Finally after wrestling with God for a while, I looked up in the sky and cried, 'Though you drown me in blackness yet will I trust you. I surrender. I don't understand why you are doing this but I choose to trust you and choose to be grateful for it. I choose to believe you are good even when life is hard. This is my stand! I will NOT be moved!'

On this ROCK I stand and will continue to stand. I don't know what He has in mind for me over the next days, weeks, months but I will not give up on my faith in God. I will not let this darkness cause me to loose sight of His goodness and mercy. Today I make that choice.

I choose {gratitude}

This morning I had a really bad reaction to my medication. Anxiety always goes with my depressions. The medication they put me on has a side affect of 'nervousness'. My anxiety went out the window, I thought I was going to lose it. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't physically able to take care of Avi. It was AWFUL. They have switched my meds again. Thankfully this one doesn't have that side affect. All that to say this morning I felt completely hopeless. I hate having to switch up meds. The med that works fantastic for me is not strong enough to work during this time of incredible hormone crazies. I was maxed out on that. Having to find a new med is a little scary for me. Especially after the extra turmoil my new med caused. This morning I was at the end of my rope with hopelessness. 

I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and she made the statement,

"Brittany, you have to {thank} God for this depression."

Thank God for my depression?? For feeling like I am missing out on Avi's first days??  Thank Him for all the anxiety and all the tears? For the hopelessness and sadness?? Really?? I have been asking Him why and feeling like it is a little unfair for me, a new mom, to suffer like this. Thank Him?!?!?

But I knew she was right. I Thessalonians says, "Be thankful [in all circumstances], for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." Ephesians says, "And give thanks for [everything] to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I knew those verses but I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful. The thing is I don't have to feel it, I have to choose it. I didn't even want to choose it. But in Micah it says, ". . . the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Pride says, it isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening. We are required to do what is right, and to walk in humility with God. His Word shows that that would be--Gratitude. Even for depression. 

So today I choose that. I might not feel it. But I choose to be grateful for this time of depression. God has never let me down. He knew this was coming. He isn't in Heaven wringing His hands wondering what to do. God has allowed me to face another depression {FOR A REASON}. I choose to believe that He is using this depression for my good, and has allowed it because it will bring Him the most glory {IN THIS MOMENT}. It's not easy. No, not at all. But after all, God owes me nothing. I am the created, the fallen. He has given me SO much. He died for me. He is always by my side. I am never ever alone, not even in this darkness. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. If He asks me to walk this path again. . . then I will choose to be thankful for it. 

{my little peanut laughing at Granna's jokes}