I choose {gratitude}

This morning I had a really bad reaction to my medication. Anxiety always goes with my depressions. The medication they put me on has a side affect of 'nervousness'. My anxiety went out the window, I thought I was going to lose it. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't physically able to take care of Avi. It was AWFUL. They have switched my meds again. Thankfully this one doesn't have that side affect. All that to say this morning I felt completely hopeless. I hate having to switch up meds. The med that works fantastic for me is not strong enough to work during this time of incredible hormone crazies. I was maxed out on that. Having to find a new med is a little scary for me. Especially after the extra turmoil my new med caused. This morning I was at the end of my rope with hopelessness. 

I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and she made the statement,

"Brittany, you have to {thank} God for this depression."

Thank God for my depression?? For feeling like I am missing out on Avi's first days??  Thank Him for all the anxiety and all the tears? For the hopelessness and sadness?? Really?? I have been asking Him why and feeling like it is a little unfair for me, a new mom, to suffer like this. Thank Him?!?!?

But I knew she was right. I Thessalonians says, "Be thankful [in all circumstances], for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." Ephesians says, "And give thanks for [everything] to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I knew those verses but I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful. The thing is I don't have to feel it, I have to choose it. I didn't even want to choose it. But in Micah it says, ". . . the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Pride says, it isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening. We are required to do what is right, and to walk in humility with God. His Word shows that that would be--Gratitude. Even for depression. 

So today I choose that. I might not feel it. But I choose to be grateful for this time of depression. God has never let me down. He knew this was coming. He isn't in Heaven wringing His hands wondering what to do. God has allowed me to face another depression {FOR A REASON}. I choose to believe that He is using this depression for my good, and has allowed it because it will bring Him the most glory {IN THIS MOMENT}. It's not easy. No, not at all. But after all, God owes me nothing. I am the created, the fallen. He has given me SO much. He died for me. He is always by my side. I am never ever alone, not even in this darkness. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. If He asks me to walk this path again. . . then I will choose to be thankful for it. 

{my little peanut laughing at Granna's jokes}