The Game-Changer

With the birth of my child came depression and with depression came revelation. I sit here humbled, broken, excited, and a little scared because EVERYTHING has changed. 

I will be the first to tell you that I hated being pregnant. It was extremely miserable. I became everything I said I wouldn’t become when I was pregnant. When Avi was born I was expecting life to become this beautiful thing of joy and happiness, I wasn’t going to be one of those people who complain about being a mom. This was gonna be wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to me, my life would have purpose, etc. Quite frankly, that was the farthest thing from what really happened. 

Avi was born and everything changed, yes, but it didn’t turn into something wonderful and magical. In fact it threw me into one of the darkest times of my life. It wasn’t her fault, I want to make that VERY clear!! It was simply the way God allowed it to happen.  I kept on thinking each week would get better, ending the week discouraged cause it hadn’t. Most weeks it felt like things were actually getting worse. I tried this and that, scurried here and there, thinking surely if I just get the right combination of details together I will finally find healing, life will be good again. I knew if nothing else would heal me my meds would have to eventually heal me. I prayed for healing to come, I was anointed, had some very Godly people pray over me, I renounced satan, I tried to keep my thoughts clean, I did ‘spiritual exercises’, nothing helped. I would feel better for a little but it would come back again. One morning, I was laying on the couch, shaking with fear, talking to Clint, praying and praying. He said something that hit me like a load of bricks, I of course, quickly shoved it off like it didn’t mean anything but it has come to mean so much to me, he said, “Maybe God can’t heal you because you are trying to heal yourself.” In other words, I was getting in the way. Like I said I brushed it off as if it were nothing. The next morning came and I did my ‘spiritual exercises’ which is basically personalizing Scripture and filling your mind with promises from God. It was a rough day. Really rough. I was doing everything ‘right’ but still not getting better. Life still was a black hole and I still had very little hope. I felt so confused and angry. Why wasn’t God healing me?!?! That afternoon while giving Avi her bottle, I gagged (it happens with my medication) so I ran to the bathroom, ended up puking a little bit and then just crumpled to the floor my head on my knees. I was too depressed to even cry. I sat there and thought, “Jesus, I have done everything I know to do. You’re the only thing I have left. You are my only hope.”  And I meant it. It’s one thing to say that it’s another to really mean it. I was at the very very end of my rope. The world was so so ugly. I was such a mess. He really was my only hope of survival. Left to my own devices. . .  well I was a product of my own devices. . . and it wasn’t pretty. 

My devotional is going through Hosea right now. It’s very timely. I see myself in Israel and Gomer so much. Throughout this depression I have been trying to find just the right doctor, just the right med, just the right amount of faith, I have been busy doing ‘right’ things, but to no avail. I have been pursuing all kinds of other gods/lovers, not resting in the love of the one who made me. I have been unfaithful to my first love. 

As time goes by He is revealing more and more to me. I wasn’t just doing this in this depression. I was doing this throughout my entire relationship with Him. I have never come before Him utterly naked, knowing that I have absolutely nothing to offer Him, seeing His holiness and my depravity, my desperate need of Him. In the past I have ‘cleaned up my act’ before I came to Him for forgiveness. I made sure I was doing everything right before I asked Him for help. On one hand I didn’t want to be a pest, on the other hand it was too hard to admit that I really am nothing, that there is no good in me. 

There’s a verse in Galatians that talks about the ‘offense’ of the cross: that we can do nothing to earn our salvation. I looked up the word in the strong’s concordance, it means stumbling block. I don’t usually think of an offense being something I stumble over, I usually think of it as something someone does to me. But I am beginning to really understand this verse, where as before I read it and was like, people are crazy, why would they be able to earn their salvation?!? Now I read it and am like, I’m right there. I’m stumbling over the cross, I am offended that I can’t be pleasing to God on my own. 

Do you know what it really means to have God really love you??

He made this beautiful earth, full of peace and joy. We destroyed it. We chose to follow the lusts of our eyes instead of the God who is the very description of beauty. We thought we knew better. We did that. 

He should have destroyed us with a glance. Of all the nerve of us. God deserved something so much better than that. But look, we knew better than He did, we loved ourselves more. 

He, knowing our desperate need of Him, sends Jesus, Who comes willingly and gladly, to become our sin. God pours out His wrath and hatred for sin onto Jesus, Who knew NO SIN. He NEVER sinned. It’s hard to fathom that especially when I see the gross amounts of sin I do on a daily basis. This perfect, spotless Lamb of God became my sin. He was willing to become utterly repulsive to His Father, so that my relationship with God could be restored. I’ve known this my whole life, but I haven’t really believed it. I haven’t really understood and I am fairly certain I will never understand, but I have gotten a glimpse of it and it causes me to shudder. To look at myself and think, “Brittany, you think you can somehow be worthy of that kind of love?! How arrogant can you be?!?” He died for my sin. My SIN. I am the one who walked away from Him, who constantly chooses herself over her God, and He became my sin, He took the punishment I deserve. Just so that I could once again be united with Him. I can not wrap my mind around that. 

Why would you make something, see it choose to serve itself over You, and then willingly die for it? Why wouldn't you just vaporize that thing??? Why not at least make it work for it’s salvation? Why would you become this very things sin, take it’s punishment, just so that You could know it again? Why would you want a relationship with something that can’t even love you on it’s own? Whose faith and trust you have to give to it? Why would you want a relationship with something so utterly beneath you so completely and wholly dependent on You? 

I don’t understand it. I can not fathom a love like that. I am utterly destroyed in the face of such love. I know, I know I can not earn that love. 

I stumble over it because I don’t understand it. I have turned to Gospel into some kind of horrible religion because I can’t admit what I really am. 

I am nothing. 

Absolutely nothing. 

I have nothing to offer this great big God who loves me. 

The only thing I can do is accept this free gift. I revolt at the very idea. Just accept it?! That’s really all there is to it?!? How can that be possible? How can I just simply get peace, joy, rest by just accepting it? I know I don’t deserve it. I want to earn it. I mean God’s really getting the raw end of the deal. But I look at it and see there is no possible way I can ever ever ever earn that kind of love. I would never be good enough, pure enough, clean enough, holy enough to deserve it. No way under the sun that that could happen. I am very aware of my depravity. 

This. is. a. real. gamechanger. 

It affects everything. The very way I see life. It for sure affects the way I live it. There is so much freedom in admitting that you are nothing and HE IS EVERYTHING, that you can do no good, He does the good through you, that you can’t even love Him in your own power. There is freedom. such freedom. 

It’s terrifying. It’s revolutionary. It’s beautiful. It’s a huge gamechanger.

To bask in the glow of His love. To choose to believe that He really means it when He says I love you. That nothing I do can change it or separate me from His love. He loves me. He is for me. He gives me the victory. It’s all about Him. Not about me. About Him, what HE can do and does do. 

Life changes when it becomes all about God. Things that were a big deal before are suddenly very very tiny. Things that were very very tiny before suddenly become a REALLY big deal. Everything changes. 

I am so thankful. So very thankful for the darkness and wilderness of depression. It stripped me bear. It feels like God took me out into the wilderness, took away everything I thought I had, in order to give me Himself. I am so thankful. Overwhelmed by His mercy and love. 

I am thankful for my husband, who faithfully prayed for and loved me during this time. Even though He didn’t always understand, he held me and loved me.  

I am also so thankful for the sweet friends that have walked this dark time with me. Stacy, Lori, Mom, Mariann, & Naomi, You will never ever know how much your sweet love and encouragement, your sometimes very honest, almost painful words, your prayers and faithfulness, meant and still mean to me. God knew I needed you. Thank you. Thank you for being there and for driving me to His feet. 

To those of you who knew about my darkness and struggle  and prayed for me. Thank you. I am so grateful. So extremely blessed. 

I know it’s not over. This totally changes everything. It means starting over. But He is faithful. He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. 

the battle continues

I don't know what to write today. Except for: I am so tired of feeling like this. So ready for healing to be complete. To feel like myself again. But depression doesn't work like that. It's all 'one day at a time' until suddenly you realize you are better. I know there has been improvement already but I'm still not whole. I still face fears and tears. I still wake up each morning knowing that it's going to be a battle all day long, go to bed at night exhausted and knowing that I get to do it all again tomorrow. It's hard. I am weary and feel beaten. I want it to be over. Heaven looks so beautiful.

The battle continues.

I am thankful that Avi is so strong. She seems to be very unaffected by her mother's turmoil. She sleeps and grows just like any other newborn. So so grateful for that.

I am thankful for my 'maid' Heidi. She is a life saver!! Takes Avi for me at night so I can focus on healing my brain at night with sleep.

I am thankful for my sweet husband. Who prays with me over and over. Who keeps me calm and reminds me that it won't always be this way.

I am thankful that this really is only a season. Healing is coming. I will get better.

though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Today has been black. So dark. So hopeless. Mentally/emotionally it's up there with the worst days in this depression so far. I feel like a grape being pressed, all the life being squeezed out of me.

I woke up from a very fitful nap and felt like I was really losing my mind. I can't remember ever feeling like that before. Darkness was like a pond and I was being held under the murky depths-- drowning.

I cried out to God. I struggled against the desire to be bitter. Wanted to throw a fit, scream, 'how can you do this to me??' But somehow I managed not to.

I moved from my couch to lay under the shade tree outside. My precious daughter in my arms and the breeze blowing over me. Staring at all the green, I started saying Thank you. . . for the patch of yellow showing up in the tree, the promise of fall, my favorite season, in the air, the beautiful breeze Avi and I were enjoying, for the sweet little girl alive in my arms. I knew I was going to have to say thank you for the darkness. But I kept pushing it off. Struggling, struggling to be thankful, struggling to trust this God who is allowing me to suffer. The verse in Job kept popping up in my mind, 'though he slay me, yet I will trust Him'.  I couldn't say it. . . I didn't want to trust God.

Finally after wrestling with God for a while, I looked up in the sky and cried, 'Though you drown me in blackness yet will I trust you. I surrender. I don't understand why you are doing this but I choose to trust you and choose to be grateful for it. I choose to believe you are good even when life is hard. This is my stand! I will NOT be moved!'

On this ROCK I stand and will continue to stand. I don't know what He has in mind for me over the next days, weeks, months but I will not give up on my faith in God. I will not let this darkness cause me to loose sight of His goodness and mercy. Today I make that choice.

I choose {gratitude}

This morning I had a really bad reaction to my medication. Anxiety always goes with my depressions. The medication they put me on has a side affect of 'nervousness'. My anxiety went out the window, I thought I was going to lose it. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't physically able to take care of Avi. It was AWFUL. They have switched my meds again. Thankfully this one doesn't have that side affect. All that to say this morning I felt completely hopeless. I hate having to switch up meds. The med that works fantastic for me is not strong enough to work during this time of incredible hormone crazies. I was maxed out on that. Having to find a new med is a little scary for me. Especially after the extra turmoil my new med caused. This morning I was at the end of my rope with hopelessness. 

I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and she made the statement,

"Brittany, you have to {thank} God for this depression."

Thank God for my depression?? For feeling like I am missing out on Avi's first days??  Thank Him for all the anxiety and all the tears? For the hopelessness and sadness?? Really?? I have been asking Him why and feeling like it is a little unfair for me, a new mom, to suffer like this. Thank Him?!?!?

But I knew she was right. I Thessalonians says, "Be thankful [in all circumstances], for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." Ephesians says, "And give thanks for [everything] to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I knew those verses but I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful. The thing is I don't have to feel it, I have to choose it. I didn't even want to choose it. But in Micah it says, ". . . the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Pride says, it isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening. We are required to do what is right, and to walk in humility with God. His Word shows that that would be--Gratitude. Even for depression. 

So today I choose that. I might not feel it. But I choose to be grateful for this time of depression. God has never let me down. He knew this was coming. He isn't in Heaven wringing His hands wondering what to do. God has allowed me to face another depression {FOR A REASON}. I choose to believe that He is using this depression for my good, and has allowed it because it will bring Him the most glory {IN THIS MOMENT}. It's not easy. No, not at all. But after all, God owes me nothing. I am the created, the fallen. He has given me SO much. He died for me. He is always by my side. I am never ever alone, not even in this darkness. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. If He asks me to walk this path again. . . then I will choose to be thankful for it. 

{my little peanut laughing at Granna's jokes}

On behalf of those who can only feel the darkness

I don't have a brain that functions properly without meds or some kind of treatment plan. I have quite a few friends with brains just like mine. I am writing this on their behalf not necessarily mine. It kills me to see how my friends are treated because of their mental illness. For some reason as soon as a disease hits your emotions/mental processes, people turn it into something spiritual not physical. The rest of our bodies can malfunction horribly and it's just because the world has been cursed. As soon as someone can hardly function, feel God, feel ANYTHING but deep deep sadness because of the disease attacking their brain, it's because they aren't spiritual enough or are rebellious or aren't trusting God enough or. . . anything along those lines. Unfortunately, our brain is not a wholly sanctified organ. It is not protected from the curse. It fails. Just like kidneys, livers, pancreas, hearts. The other sad thing is when they fail, it gets really ugly. {**disclaimer: people have started coming around on this whole thing. they are much more understanding of mental illness really being an illness now then they were years ago. This is written to the skeptics.}

Imagine a lead weight attached to your heart, a feeling of separation from God, darkness taking over your mind, the feeling of complete and total 'aloneness', an ache so deep you can feel it in your bones, and incredible fear. ALL THE TIME. No breaks. You spend all day with those feelings. You go to sleep (if you can sleep, that is) with it and wake up with it. If you can sleep that's all you want to do cause when you're sleeping you don't feel. If you can't sleep, you toss and turn with these thoughts and feelings. Maybe finally get a couple hours of sleep and then start all over. Honestly, it's kind of how people would say Hell is like though I am sure it's on a lighter scale. The things mentally ill people say sound HORRIBLE and often shock people who have completely healthy minds. Suicide is something we often think about and we say things like, 'I just want to die', 'I would kill myself if I didn't know it was wrong'. We can't feel anything but blackness and pain. Would you want to live if that's what your days were full of? I know with my last depression I told God to just take my baby. Something I feel incredibly ashamed/horrified about now that my brain is working again. But I was so miserable and felt like such an awful person. I just wanted to be normal again and thought maybe that would fix it.  People look at our lives and are like 'what's their problem, they have beautiful kids, a good spouse, wonderful family, lovely house, etc.' and label us as being ungrateful and selfish. Let me tell you, depressed people may be blessed beyond measure but they CAN'T see that when it's so dark. Depressed people don't think they will EVER get better. Almost everyone has their down times but down times usually have a ray of hope shining through the darkness. Unfortunately, mental illness doesn't come with that ray of hope. That may sound awful coming from someone who believes in Christ, the ultimate hope of existence. But it doesn't make it any less true. While yes, there is healing for the mentally ill, they cannot feel the hope of it in their illness. It's AWFUL. Most of us can be 'healed' by medication. But I have several friends who aren't that 'lucky'. They suffer for years while trying to find just the right medication/natural remedy that works for their condition. As time goes by healthy people become less and less understanding. Sadly, some people who started out sympathetic, eventually decide that this person does not have a health issue (based on all the trial and error that goes on with meds and other remedies), nope, they have a serious spiritual problem. Their sympathy turns to judgment. Which just causes more pain (rejection) for the sufferer who is often already struggling with feeling like a terrible Christian and person.  This is the treatment that breaks my heart the most. It's almost harder to bear than those who start out thinking this way because you lose even more support and because it's rejection, a giving up on you, adding to the pain and hopelessness.

Healthy minds, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful how you judge diseased minds. You have no idea how much damage you can do, how much added pain you can cause to those who suffer this way. I know what it's like to slowly emerge from depression. To look back on your depression and see how God was there even when you were so upset with Him you weren't even sure He existed. To remember the things you thought and did, all the horrible ugliness, and see that you were wrong. To finally be able to take little steps forward in your relationship with God. Just like being super 'spiritual and christian' (not that much stock should be put in that anyway) can't heal your kidneys, it can't heal your brain.

Oh, dear people, you have no idea. No idea. I try to remember that you simply don't understand but I so want you to understand. There are so many hurting people. So many ill around us. Don't give up on them. Don't label them as something less holy than you. Please remember that Jesus came to heal the sick. Please remember He has called you to show mercy and love to those suffering from serious mental illness (any illness really). Mentally ill people don't like themselves very much. They feel like such a burden. Like they terrible, horrible people. They know they're ugly in this state. Your horrible labels don't help. Those labels just drive them deeper into themselves, even further from the light. Cause them even more pain. They need your support!! Your unconditional love!! Your hugs and prayers!! They need you wrap yourself around them. To be Jesus to them even though they can't feel it at the time. They need you be there even when it's so dark and ugly. Even if you don't know how to help or what to say, just being there to support them is a blessing. They need your presence as much as your notes of encouragement. They need you to be grateful that your brain is working and well, not judgmental that theirs is not.

{To those of you who have been supportive and compassionate to the mentally ill. I want to say Thank You. From the bottom of my heart. Your love has saved so many. Your support has bolstered up the dying. I don't know what would have happened had I not had a beautiful support group around me during my ugly, extremely dark times. I am so grateful. I am also so grateful when I see others reaching out to my fellow sufferers of mental illness letting them know that they don't have to walk alone. May God bless you richly.}

. . . the beginnings of hope. . .

I haven't updated in a while. . .  AGAIN. Mostly because I don't really know what to say. Things are starting to feel better again but I am still not too sure what's going on in my heart. As far as the clean up process goes, that is. I am trying to take one day at a time. While I wait for God to heal my heart and for my meds to kick in again. Yeah. . . I lasted one whole month off of my medication. Then I crashed. And the crashing wasn't pretty. Panic attacks aren't for the faint of heart. Neither is that incurable blackness and bleakness of spirit. The last two mornings I woke up feeling almost happy. Which hasn't happened in a while. Most of the time I would wake up and want to pull the covers over my head, desperately wanting to sink into the sweet oblivion called sleep. Most mornings I did just that. But you have to get up  and face reality sometime. Survival mode kicked in and I couldn't wait for night time. Yesterday wasn't like that. Today doesn't feel like that.

I am grateful for :

-medication

-the patience and unconditional love of my husband

-God providing much needed money at just the right time

-that spring is coming (I am in the process of getting my flower beds ready for plants. GREAT therapy)

-only 21.5 more weeks of being pregnant!!!!! I really don't enjoy the whole growing a baby process, but they say that after the next couple weeks it will be more fun. We shall see.

-the hope of better days to come

-that when everything falls apart and I can't stand or even crawl, God in His mercy and great love picks me up and carries me


-b

Depression/Mental Illness

Because I have watched my mom and aunt walk this path. . .

Because I have many friends on this path. . .

Because I too am on this path. . .

Because life words help heal. . .

My Mom was my encouragement, my love of Jesus supporter as I started down this road. It isn't any easy road. Quite frankly, the church of Christ needs to understand this illness. They need to know that it is no different than cancer, diabetes, or heart trouble. No amount of positive thinking will get you out of this kind of darkness. That it's not a lack of spirituality. It's an illness of the brain. Just like diabetes is an illness of the metabolism. But Ann Voskamp does much better at explaining all this. I read her post earlier this week and knew I had to share it.  The link for the her post is under the picture, please read it.

what christians need to know about mental health by ann voskamp

Fullness of Life {photos of the day: April 3 - April 2, 2012}

I feel so good. That might seem like a strange statement. But it's true and how I feel. My mom told me one my meds start working I would probably feel like I could conquer the world. She was right. I do. In fact, now that I have been feeling better I have discovered that I have actually been depressed for as long as I can remember. My 'normal' was not even close to being a healthy normal. I almost don't know what to do with myself now that I can fight the blackness/sadness and win. What I thought was normal was just a daily suppression of the sadness. What is truly normal is a daily (well it's not even daily anymore cause the sadness doesn't show up every day) conquering of the sadness. It seems so strange to wake up in the morning and actually feel strong enough to face the day. To be free from the darkness that was always lurking around in my brain. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I always felt this balanced inside. But as I have said before I count it one of my greatest blessings. Because of my depression I have experienced God in ways I never would have had I had a healthy brain. Because of it I won't ever be able to take for granted what it means to have a brain that works. Because of it I have a daily reminder of a need, a desperate need for God. I am so blessed, and so extremely excited and grateful to be able to experience the {fullness} of life after all this time.

'the princess' and her buddy

this is how she takes care of those 'nasty' phone calls

coffee cards in the mail are just the bEsT eVeR!!

Sadness, a stone got up close and personal with my windshield. (yes, my windshield really was that filthy)

and here it is all better. So it's not perfect and you can still see it, but hey, I didn't have to buy a new windshield and it looks way better than I thought it would.

my little buddy came to see me

His little tongue cracks me up. 

his sister came too. :)

my boyfriend fixed my mirror for me!!! It's been broken since I bought my car and I have just never felt inspired to buy a new one. I am really glad I didn't buy one cause he was able to just put all the parts together and voila, a mirror that no longer blows back and forth on windy days. It's wonderful!

May you find that His mercies are new every morning!!

-Brittany

Hope {photos of the day March 13- March 19, 2012}

Breathe in, breathe out, uncontrollable fear grips my body, my fingers begin to tremble. 2 bad days out of a week and a half of good days, that's good right? I curl into a ball trying to get smaller. Breathe in, breathe out, tears fill my eyes. 2 bad days out of a week and a half, thats good, Brittany, it will keep getting better. The fear churns my stomach, breathe in, breath out. The Lord is my Shepherd, I need nothing. He leads me through vibrant green pastures, beside still, crystal clear waters. He restores my soul. . . restores my soul. . . restores my soul.  That doesn't happen overnight, Brittany. Not even in two weeks. Tears fill my eyes again. Breathe in, breathe out. 2 bad days out of a week and half? That's good Brittany, very good. My hands continue to shake, the panic holding me tightly. You will be whole again. He will restore you again. Patience, Brittany. Breathe in, breathe out.

 The band I wear on my arm to remind me that worrying is foolish, my God is bigger than anything I will ever face.

I had an incredibly happy day, having no other way of documenting that I took I picture of myself. :)

I know you can't read this. You aren't supposed to be able to. This however represents a page of thoughts from my head. With my depression, I lost a lot of my ability to focus and think things through. I actually had a hard time focusing enough to read a book or my Bible. This represents the fact that it's coming back. I am so so excited. I can read again which is beautiful in itself but I can focus enough to think about what I am reading. I can read, take it in and examine it, and spit back out how it affects me. That, dear friend, is a most beautiful gift. I am so grateful and excited it is back!

 underneath the blackness there is sunshine. there is always hope. always hope.

Part of an antique hutch I bought. I love antiques-- the stories they represent, and how beautifully distressed they are. 

May Hope give you courage this week!

-Brittany

Blessed Beyond Measure {photos of the day: March 6 - March 12, 2012}

 Some people look at people who are diagnosed with depression as less than whole. That they are not as spiritual as they should be. That they should just trust God more. You know I think they are right. I am not whole and I am not as spiritual as I should be and I do not put my confidence in God like I should. Perhaps that is why I am clinically depressed.

My Shepherd knows best. But I am a proud little sheep who thinks she knows better, and that she is strong and does not need His help. So off trots the little sheep on her own path, away from her Shepherd in search of greener grass and fresher water. Eventually she finds herself beaten and bruised on a rocky ledge and then she cries for help. The Shepherd comes to rescue her of course, but this time he graciously breaks her leg (or in this case, 'unbalances' the chemicals in my brain), so that she learns to keep close to her Shepherd, and that she can do NOTHING in her own strength.

So yes, I am less than whole. Yes, I have to rely on a pill to keep my brain working properly. But I consider that a {blessing} more than anything else. I can not see this depression as a curse, I see it as a blessing. I count myself very blessed, ridiculously blessed actually, because every morning as I swallow my little white pill, I am reminded that I can do NOTHING, absolutely nothing on my own, which points me to the One Who can do EVERYTHING.

 on the really bad days, the days that I wonder if I will ever be 'normal' again. She reminds me that I will get better and tells me this too will pass. Friends are beautiful gifts!

 a coffee gift from one friend

 My friend sent me two Dr. Suess books for Christmas. Yes, I know it's March but who says you have to exchange gifts in December?? :) Dr. Suess speaks my love language. So I was absolutely delighted!

 a coffee gift from another friend

Yesterday, I got to wear flip flops for the first time in CO! Of course I forgot document that fact with my 'real' camera so we have to deal with a horrible cell phone pic. Oh well. CHEERS for spring!!

May you find Him to be {ENOUGH} this week!!

-Brittany

YAY for card readers!! {photos of the day Feb 22-Feb 28}

I bought a new card reader so we are back in business. It was way overdue, my new one can read over 3x's as many cards and is a third of the size of my last one. Anyway, enough on that.

Here are my blessings from this week (well partially)--in pictures of course.

It may seem odd to consider this word a blessing. But it was. Very much so. On this day my Mom became incredibly suspicious I was/am depressed (it runs in our family), by depressed I mean diagnosed with Depression not the depressed feeling that everyone gets at one point or another. It gave me incredible hope because it meant the deep, unshakeable sadness, the inability to think rationally, the anxiety, the feeling of losing my mind, and the headaches could/would go away. Up to that point I was afraid it wouldn't go away for a very, very long time (if ever). So yes, this word was a blessing. 

I made it to a doctor (which was a bit of a miracle in itself) and was diagnosed with depression. Now I have happy pills and they have been a blessing already. :)

May His grace fill you this week!

-Brittany