We're having a. . .

Last Thursday, I had my ultrasound and we found out what the gender of our little baby is. Before I say what that is I do really want to say that the ultrasound was one of the  biggest highlights of being pregnant (thus far). Oh my goodness, I feel like a completely different person since then (in relation to being pregnant that is). Some women are able to be in love with their baby from day one, heroically facing the morning sickness, and so on. That wasn't really me. Don't get me wrong I was absolutely ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant. But then I got sick. Ended up being sick for a lot longer than I thought I would and I really lost my excitement. Last week, I got to see pictures/video of my precious little baby and suddenly it felt real. I wasn't just gaining weight, I was really sharing my body with a new tiny little life. I suddenly understand why these black and white, seemingly shapeless little images are so special to moms. I don't know much about reading these images so I picked the pictures that made the most sense to me. Seeing this little person kick and move around inside of me was amazing. I can't explain that moment. But let me tell you I AM EXCITED about this little GIRL, Clint and I get to be parents to!!!

saying 'hi'

her little face

. . . the beginnings of hope. . .

I haven't updated in a while. . .  AGAIN. Mostly because I don't really know what to say. Things are starting to feel better again but I am still not too sure what's going on in my heart. As far as the clean up process goes, that is. I am trying to take one day at a time. While I wait for God to heal my heart and for my meds to kick in again. Yeah. . . I lasted one whole month off of my medication. Then I crashed. And the crashing wasn't pretty. Panic attacks aren't for the faint of heart. Neither is that incurable blackness and bleakness of spirit. The last two mornings I woke up feeling almost happy. Which hasn't happened in a while. Most of the time I would wake up and want to pull the covers over my head, desperately wanting to sink into the sweet oblivion called sleep. Most mornings I did just that. But you have to get up  and face reality sometime. Survival mode kicked in and I couldn't wait for night time. Yesterday wasn't like that. Today doesn't feel like that.

I am grateful for :

-medication

-the patience and unconditional love of my husband

-God providing much needed money at just the right time

-that spring is coming (I am in the process of getting my flower beds ready for plants. GREAT therapy)

-only 21.5 more weeks of being pregnant!!!!! I really don't enjoy the whole growing a baby process, but they say that after the next couple weeks it will be more fun. We shall see.

-the hope of better days to come

-that when everything falls apart and I can't stand or even crawl, God in His mercy and great love picks me up and carries me


-b