. . . the beginnings of hope. . .

I haven't updated in a while. . .  AGAIN. Mostly because I don't really know what to say. Things are starting to feel better again but I am still not too sure what's going on in my heart. As far as the clean up process goes, that is. I am trying to take one day at a time. While I wait for God to heal my heart and for my meds to kick in again. Yeah. . . I lasted one whole month off of my medication. Then I crashed. And the crashing wasn't pretty. Panic attacks aren't for the faint of heart. Neither is that incurable blackness and bleakness of spirit. The last two mornings I woke up feeling almost happy. Which hasn't happened in a while. Most of the time I would wake up and want to pull the covers over my head, desperately wanting to sink into the sweet oblivion called sleep. Most mornings I did just that. But you have to get up  and face reality sometime. Survival mode kicked in and I couldn't wait for night time. Yesterday wasn't like that. Today doesn't feel like that.

I am grateful for :

-medication

-the patience and unconditional love of my husband

-God providing much needed money at just the right time

-that spring is coming (I am in the process of getting my flower beds ready for plants. GREAT therapy)

-only 21.5 more weeks of being pregnant!!!!! I really don't enjoy the whole growing a baby process, but they say that after the next couple weeks it will be more fun. We shall see.

-the hope of better days to come

-that when everything falls apart and I can't stand or even crawl, God in His mercy and great love picks me up and carries me


-b

messy

I feel a bit like a child sitting in the middle of a very messy playroom. There are toys and/or fragments of toys all over the place, it needs to be cleaned up but the child has no idea where to start. My heart is complete chaos, there are pieces of my once organized boxes all over the place, and I have no idea where to go from here. I'm terrified to try to clean it up myself and terrified to let God do it. Everything went all topsy-turvy and upside on me. . . I don't feel like I know the person I am these days, and I'm really scared to trust God. . . with anything.

It's frustrating to me.

This is not the first time my trust has been shattered. This is not the first time I have come face to face with what I really am. It happens a lot over time and you know what, God has always gotten me through. So why is it that my first reaction is still-- to run from God. He is the ONE PERSON who really is what He says He is. The One constant. The only being that is truly trustworthy. He is TRUTH itself. . .  and guess what, I turn and run the opposite direction, crawl deeper and deeper into myself until it feels like even He can't find me.

It's ridiculous really. Apart from Christ there is no safe place for my heart to land. Why, oh why, do I run from Him? But I did and now I have a mess I don't know how to clean up.

I don't feel like I have the energy to clean it up. I don't remember other situations doing this to me. I don't remember ever being so weak, so lacking in will-power, that I couldn't pick up my sword and fight. I usually have one last little measure of strength to fight off the enemy. But this time. I don't know if I can do it.

Maybe that's ok. Maybe that's right where God wants me.

--> The very end of any effort Brittany has.

Maybe this is something God has to do.

"Rescue Me, my God, my King,

the waters are rising and I cannot breathe.

Wrap your arms all around me,

Carry me over, Carry me over."

weary and in pieces

goodness. . . I haven't posted anything in almost 4 months. . .  so sorry. . . let me explain.

This year started with a lot of excitement. We have a baby coming in September. Which was an answer to much prayer and a lot of dreams. So excited!!! And a bit scared too. It seemed to me like a healthy pregnancy was well, like the odds were against me. So we didn't tell a lot of people.  Mostly close friends and family. We were also excited about our upcoming mission trip to Mexico. I have never been south of the border, orphans are close to my heart, and missions, well missions have always been extremely dear to me. Life was good.

and then. . .

In one weeks time it felt like someone picked up my world and gave a good shake, oh and turned it upside down for good measure.  I discovered that once again I had trusted a person who wasn't trustworthy, I got sick, really sick with my pregnancy, and my husband left, without me, on the mission trip to Mexico (for 11 days).

My life grew very dark. I didn't know that being pregnant would be that hard on me emotionally, add into the mix the feelings of betrayal and all the other things that go with broken trust, and the frustration of being sick ALL DAY AND NIGHT. It wasn't a pretty time of my life. In fact it still isn't. It's a bit brighter than it was though.

It felt like most of the relationships in my life were falling to pieces. I was spending most of my days on the couch watching movies or sleeping because of feeling so sick. God felt far away and I didn't have the energy to try to find Him. I have never been strong emotionally or physically, but goodness it's been a while since I have felt so extremely weak. Every place that had felt safe before, felt terrifying now.

I have felt things the last two months that. . . are so ugly, I never thought I could come to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted my child. But I found that place and many other place's quite similar during the last two months.

It's so hard to discover so many ugly things living in your heart. Things you have allowed to grow. Discovering what an extremely proud and selfish being you have become. The defensive feeling that rises up in you at the discovery, all the but's, and if only's.

Quite frankly, I am still a big, broken mess. A bit unsure of which end is up. I feel lost spiritually and physically. . .  I wish I could say that I am stronger because of all this darkness, that my walk with God has reached amazing heights, that I am feeling so blessed and joyful, but I can't. I do have peace for the most part. I know God is there but to say that my spiritual life is out of this world amazing would be a lie and/or wishful thinking. I don't know when or if it will get better. I just keep taking one day at a time. Honestly it feels a little like starting over. I don't trust myself and right now it's hard to believe that God could really love someone like me. So I try to take one little day at a time. Sometimes I forget all about it and don't even try. Quite often I don't want to try.  I hope and pray that God can redeem the mess I have become.

Jesus Calling, the song Worn by Tenth Avenue North, and my friends blog have become so precious to me. Balm for weary, broken hearts, they are. The focus on clinging to Jesus is so comforting and just the reminder I need.

. . . I guess for tonight, I'll leave it at that. Please don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this post was about.  If you think of me over the next little while, I could for sure use prayer. But I'm not asking for pity. There's a reason I am in this situation right now. I might not understand or enjoy it but there IS a reason.

 I'll leave you with the lyrics to Worn.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Praise His Name

When everything falls apart 

Praise his name 
When you have a broken heart 
Raise your hands and say 
Lord, you're all I need 
You're everything to me 
And he'll take the pain away 

When it seems you're all alone 

Praise his name 
And when you feel you cant go on
Raise your hands and say 
Greater is he that is within me 
And you can praise the hurt away 
If you'll just praise his name 

-Jeff & Sherri Easter