raw

Nothing prepares you to see your friend in a casket. Nothing prepares you for the separation of spirit and body. Nothing prepares you for the feeling of finality.

This week I have lived in a somewhat dazed state. Erin's death hasn't felt very real. We didn't see each other all that often, what with working different days so in some ways it was hard to feel real. But this afternoon, seeing her lying there, knowing that she wouldn't pop up and say,"Hey Brit, what are you doing here?" Yeah, the dazed state left and the reality has hit me like a load of bricks.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream, "No, God, no!! I don't want to bury my friend. I want to hear her sing again. I want to repackage items at work with her again and hear her tease me about my messes and then hear myself tease her about hers. I want to know that I'm not the only one at the work that makes messes. I want to spend more time with her big heart!! God, I want her back!!! Why did you have to take her??? I don't get it!!!!!! Why?!? I just can't do this God. . . I can't bury my friend. . . It wasn't supposed to end this way."

I feel so raw. The tears won't stop pouring out of my eyes. The ache won't leave my heart. Knowing that tomorrow I have to watch them put her in the ground, and then cover her with dirt. . . oh it hurts.




{I hope if you are reading this, you will be gracious with me. Writing out what I am feeling is like therapy to me. I know it's not pretty but I hope you will try to understand.}