David {Unconditional Respect}

I have been thinking a lot about David the last while. David, the King of Israel, the man after God's own heart. Especially about Davids relationship with Saul. David was a Godly man, he did great and mighty things for God. Saul's choices led him further and further away from God, till finally satan lived in him and worked through him. Saul tried to kill David so many times that David finally had to go into hiding. But what gets me every time I read or think of this story is David's unconditional respect and honor of 'the Lord's anointed'. Saul was an evil man, consumed by Satan. If any man deserved disrespect and dishonor, it was Saul. But instead of gathering people to revolt against Saul, or to kill him, he ran. He said, "I will not raise my hand against the Lord's anointed." Wow. David's heart for his authority was so beautiful. 

Sadly, instead of the beauty of David's respect and honor in my heart,  something so ugly and horrid is in my heart and also in the heart of modern Christianity. It makes me so sad to see the rebellion, disrespect, and bad mouthing that has taken it's place. David had no conditions on respect. He didn't say well, as long as Saul doesn't do this I'll respect him. He didn't decide that because Saul tried to kill him, he would begin an all out assault on Saul. He respected him. If for no other reason than because God had placed Saul over him. Saul tried to kill him, and he still would not raise a hand against him.  In fact David wept when Saul died. David had every reason to rejoice at the death of Saul, but he wept.  

In a time where we bad mouth and disrespect our President, our church leaders, parents and our husbands that seems a little crazy. But it also holds incredible beauty. David was a man after God's Heart. Something we all should aspire to be. I wonder what it would be to have David's heart transplanted into my body. To have his courage, his passion for God, and his respect for authority, be it good authority or bad authority. Much for my mind to mull over these days. . . 

Sierra Eden {mini-session}

She's my little peanut, my ray of sunshine, and the doctor of my heart. She had no idea how much healing she can bring with her little giggle, adorable little 'speeches', and cute little walk. I just love my little Sierra.

A couple months ago she came to my house, her outfit was darling, the window light was beautiful, and here is the evidence of both. 

16

I made it through most of the day feeling strong. But the deep, deep ache has found me again. It comes at the strangest times. When I expect it, it's not there. When I least expect it, it crashes into me and I can barely stand. Sitting somewhere quiet with my thoughts, that's about all I have the strength to do. Writing out my thoughts brings healing so here I sit again, in the quiet, writing my thoughts.

Just 1 short week ago, Erin was alive. It has been one week and about 3 hours since I saw her last. So hard to believe, it almost doesn't feel real. But the ache in my chest is there to remind me that it's real. Incredibly real.

Sixteen just seems too young to die. Erin had so many things she was going to do. She was so excited about them. In one instant, every one of those plans vanished. God had a better plan for her and I know she is so so so so so happy. I know that plan was beyond her wildest dreams. Knowing that I WILL see her again--something I cling to. I can't imagine not having that. I don't know how people make it in life without the hope of Heaven or the Grace of God. . . Erin was ready for whatever God brought into her life. I hope the same can be said of me. The seriousness of life has hit me pretty hard. EVERYthing I do echoes in eternity. I spend my life here on earth either preparing for eternity with God or for eternity without God. Every decision I make will lead me to 1 of two eternities. Do I live with that in the front of my mind?! If I don't, why don't I? It's serious stuff. Life is not something to be trifled with. We aren't promised tomorrow. I know life should be far more serious to me. Erin's death has made me think. A lot. Anyway.


I keep on saying I wouldn't wish her back and I mean it. But goodness, I miss her. Right now, I would just love to hear her voice. 

raw

Nothing prepares you to see your friend in a casket. Nothing prepares you for the separation of spirit and body. Nothing prepares you for the feeling of finality.

This week I have lived in a somewhat dazed state. Erin's death hasn't felt very real. We didn't see each other all that often, what with working different days so in some ways it was hard to feel real. But this afternoon, seeing her lying there, knowing that she wouldn't pop up and say,"Hey Brit, what are you doing here?" Yeah, the dazed state left and the reality has hit me like a load of bricks.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream, "No, God, no!! I don't want to bury my friend. I want to hear her sing again. I want to repackage items at work with her again and hear her tease me about my messes and then hear myself tease her about hers. I want to know that I'm not the only one at the work that makes messes. I want to spend more time with her big heart!! God, I want her back!!! Why did you have to take her??? I don't get it!!!!!! Why?!? I just can't do this God. . . I can't bury my friend. . . It wasn't supposed to end this way."

I feel so raw. The tears won't stop pouring out of my eyes. The ache won't leave my heart. Knowing that tomorrow I have to watch them put her in the ground, and then cover her with dirt. . . oh it hurts.




{I hope if you are reading this, you will be gracious with me. Writing out what I am feeling is like therapy to me. I know it's not pretty but I hope you will try to understand.}

She's Still Gone

The posts this week are so completely different than I had planned. I had different photos for different days, all in an attempt to catch up. But everything changed in an instant. My dad called me around midnight Tuesday night to tell us that Erin went to be with Jesus. And my week has been topsy turvy ever since. Yesterday we (Mom, Sandi, and I) opened the store planning to be open all day. We were open for a half hour and decided we just couldn't do it. We cried at the sight of each other and cried when customers came in. . . it just didn't work. So we closed.

We decided to go to her house, take her family some flowers that were so Erin it almost hurt (bright and happy and beautiful), and then go to where her life ended to release balloons. Our attempt to let go of the little friend so full of life.

At her house, everyone was gathered in her bedroom. So that where we spent our time. Trying to find pieces of Erin to connect to and we did.

--Erin was going to start teaching Kindergarten in January. She was going to decorate her classroom in Dr. Suess characters. She had a big Cat in the Hat, clean up machine, which was going to be her cleaning chart. She had Thing 1 and Thing 2 holding her class rules. She had plans of making Cat in the Hat Hats for all her student. Even had the Red and White felt purchased. She had a darling RED dress made from Cat in that Hat fabric. She had all her kinds of fun little prizes picked out for her students, along with wrapping paper to wrap them up.  Erin, I would have loved to be in your class. You would have been such a fun teacher. . . Erin, why did you have to go?????

--She had a big, BIG, stuffed animal sitting on her bed. Something she got for her class but ended up using as a pillow. So comforting to hug it. . .

--on her mirror there was a 'sign' that said, "Women who behave rarely make history." So totally Erin we had to smile through our tears.

--Her Bible next to her bed. I looked through it and cried and cried. The verses she circled, were so evidently taken to heart. She lived those verses. The ones that stuck out to me the most were Galatians 6: 7-10

7	¶ Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8	For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9	And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10	As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

Her testimony could be summed up in those verses. She sowed well, and yes, sometimes she was weary but she held fast to the God who keeps His promises.

--one little 'sign' she had sitting on her book shelf said, "Life is not waiting for the storms to pass, it is learning to dance in the rain." She did that. Our little happy dancer. Erin, I'll try to dance but it's so hard right now. . . 

I had all kinds of little hopes and dreams for our relationship. In a couple years, I was hoping to watch her give herself to the man she loved so much. Then, I was gonna watch her little children grow, and she was going to watch mine. We were going to be friends and our children were going to be friends. We were going to laugh together over our silly children and our clumsy mistakes as moms. We were going to learn from each other, and pray for each other. . . and in one single moment, it's all gone. This is spoken from a heart who didn't know her extremely well, but who still considered her it's little buddy and friend, she honestly felt like a relation of some kind. . .  The people who knew her way better than I did, had even more hopes and dreams. I am struggling with anger and denial, but I can't imagine what all they are going through. Please, pray for them not me. Sure I am struggling, but I didn't lose a sister, a daughter, a 'girlfriend', or a best friend. I lost my friend but they lost so much more. . . 

Yesterday, Mom, Sandi, and I released balloons where she died. In an attempt to release her to her new life. We released 4, 1. to represent Erin, who has gone on to Heaven, and then 1 for each of us to release her from our hearts into Eternity.  The amazing thing is that one little balloon went off by itself, and the three that represented the hearts releasing her stayed together. A God thing really. Brings tears though. 

I know Erin is having so much fun right now. She is dancing with Jesus, singing her heart out, and keeping the angels laughing with her little antics. I wouldn't wish her back. But I am struggling with the whole she left in my life. It makes me so hungry for Heaven. A land where there are no goodbyes. The reassurance that I WILL! see her again is so comforting. I am so grateful for that. It makes the goodbye have hope. I know we will have endless ages together. I only hope I can live my life as well and as fully as she did. 

I love you, Erin. Miss you already, my dear.

Our Sweet Erin

My precious friend Erin is with Jesus now.  

I got to work with her yesterday, she died last night. I feel so honored to have been with her on her last day.  The thought of not seeing her again this side of Heaven. . . makes my heart ache so bad and the tears fall like rain. Please pray for her family. She had 4 little brothers and a very special bond with her parents.  I can't imagine how difficult this will be for them. So again I ask for you to keep them in your prayers.

 I am so glad I got to know you, Erin. So grateful for the time I had with you.  I am going to miss you, dear girl, and look forward to the day when I see your pretty face again. 

Our Little Nurse

The princess nursing her sister back to health. When that didn't work she decided it was her turn for some attention. :)