dear Erin

Dear Erin,

Today marks your first year in Heaven. I can't believe it's been a year. In fact, it's still hard to believe that you're really, really gone. A part of me doesn't want to write this letter,  it wants to snap my computer closed and hurl it out the window. Some people say that this letter doesn't matter anyway, that the people we write to can't read it anyway, but I think God will let you read it.

This year has been easier than I thought it would be. I guess easier than I wanted it to be. I mean you died, I won't see you until I die, or Jesus comes back. I miss you so much, but the black hole I expected to be in my heart isn't there. Mom says it's God's grace. I think she's right. I think I was imagining experiencing death apart from God.  Erin, I don't know how I would make it without God. Without the hope of seeing you again. . .  Oh! it would be awful. This year WAS hard. Don't get me wrong!! It was just different than I imagined it. I experienced more anger than I think I have ever experienced in my life. You know me, I often get upset, fly off the handle, etc. But this was different. This was a deep anger, an anger that would consume me over the stupidest stuff. People would probably say it was because I was angry at God. But honestly, it didn't feel like anger towards Him. Just anger. Anger I didn't completely understand. I miss you, Erin. There IS a hole in my heart. Just not a black hole. More like beautiful, light-filled hole. One that only your spirit could leave, and only God's grace could touch in comfort. I feel sooooooo blessed to have been able to know you. You taught me so much, Erin. To be comfortable in my own skin, to live life like it's a gift, to remember that I only live once, to reach out to others, especially the lost. I am a better person to have had you as my friend.

The store isn't the same without you, girl. You left me as the only mess maker. Thanks for bumping Sandi every once in a while so I don't feel so alone. ;) I miss your humming/singing. You kept the store a happy place with your songs. Our customers miss you too. You blessed so many of them. We have a few memorials around the store and your life is constantly touching others. Something only you could do. Not be here but still touch lives, I mean.

Today we have the most beautiful fluffy snow. If you had anything to do with that, thank you. Last year, if I remember right, it was ugly and over cast, followed by some of the most awful news I have ever received. Today, well it just reminds me of God's grace this past year.  Covering even the most awful circumstances with beauty.

I love you, Erin.

-Brit

"I sure miss you;

 Life will never be the same with you not here

Each passing day has brought much pain

But with God's grace my strength remains,

I sure miss you, 

but Heaven's sweeter with you there."

16

I made it through most of the day feeling strong. But the deep, deep ache has found me again. It comes at the strangest times. When I expect it, it's not there. When I least expect it, it crashes into me and I can barely stand. Sitting somewhere quiet with my thoughts, that's about all I have the strength to do. Writing out my thoughts brings healing so here I sit again, in the quiet, writing my thoughts.

Just 1 short week ago, Erin was alive. It has been one week and about 3 hours since I saw her last. So hard to believe, it almost doesn't feel real. But the ache in my chest is there to remind me that it's real. Incredibly real.

Sixteen just seems too young to die. Erin had so many things she was going to do. She was so excited about them. In one instant, every one of those plans vanished. God had a better plan for her and I know she is so so so so so happy. I know that plan was beyond her wildest dreams. Knowing that I WILL see her again--something I cling to. I can't imagine not having that. I don't know how people make it in life without the hope of Heaven or the Grace of God. . . Erin was ready for whatever God brought into her life. I hope the same can be said of me. The seriousness of life has hit me pretty hard. EVERYthing I do echoes in eternity. I spend my life here on earth either preparing for eternity with God or for eternity without God. Every decision I make will lead me to 1 of two eternities. Do I live with that in the front of my mind?! If I don't, why don't I? It's serious stuff. Life is not something to be trifled with. We aren't promised tomorrow. I know life should be far more serious to me. Erin's death has made me think. A lot. Anyway.


I keep on saying I wouldn't wish her back and I mean it. But goodness, I miss her. Right now, I would just love to hear her voice. 

raw

Nothing prepares you to see your friend in a casket. Nothing prepares you for the separation of spirit and body. Nothing prepares you for the feeling of finality.

This week I have lived in a somewhat dazed state. Erin's death hasn't felt very real. We didn't see each other all that often, what with working different days so in some ways it was hard to feel real. But this afternoon, seeing her lying there, knowing that she wouldn't pop up and say,"Hey Brit, what are you doing here?" Yeah, the dazed state left and the reality has hit me like a load of bricks.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream, "No, God, no!! I don't want to bury my friend. I want to hear her sing again. I want to repackage items at work with her again and hear her tease me about my messes and then hear myself tease her about hers. I want to know that I'm not the only one at the work that makes messes. I want to spend more time with her big heart!! God, I want her back!!! Why did you have to take her??? I don't get it!!!!!! Why?!? I just can't do this God. . . I can't bury my friend. . . It wasn't supposed to end this way."

I feel so raw. The tears won't stop pouring out of my eyes. The ache won't leave my heart. Knowing that tomorrow I have to watch them put her in the ground, and then cover her with dirt. . . oh it hurts.




{I hope if you are reading this, you will be gracious with me. Writing out what I am feeling is like therapy to me. I know it's not pretty but I hope you will try to understand.}