dear Erin

Dear Erin,

Today marks your first year in Heaven. I can't believe it's been a year. In fact, it's still hard to believe that you're really, really gone. A part of me doesn't want to write this letter,  it wants to snap my computer closed and hurl it out the window. Some people say that this letter doesn't matter anyway, that the people we write to can't read it anyway, but I think God will let you read it.

This year has been easier than I thought it would be. I guess easier than I wanted it to be. I mean you died, I won't see you until I die, or Jesus comes back. I miss you so much, but the black hole I expected to be in my heart isn't there. Mom says it's God's grace. I think she's right. I think I was imagining experiencing death apart from God.  Erin, I don't know how I would make it without God. Without the hope of seeing you again. . .  Oh! it would be awful. This year WAS hard. Don't get me wrong!! It was just different than I imagined it. I experienced more anger than I think I have ever experienced in my life. You know me, I often get upset, fly off the handle, etc. But this was different. This was a deep anger, an anger that would consume me over the stupidest stuff. People would probably say it was because I was angry at God. But honestly, it didn't feel like anger towards Him. Just anger. Anger I didn't completely understand. I miss you, Erin. There IS a hole in my heart. Just not a black hole. More like beautiful, light-filled hole. One that only your spirit could leave, and only God's grace could touch in comfort. I feel sooooooo blessed to have been able to know you. You taught me so much, Erin. To be comfortable in my own skin, to live life like it's a gift, to remember that I only live once, to reach out to others, especially the lost. I am a better person to have had you as my friend.

The store isn't the same without you, girl. You left me as the only mess maker. Thanks for bumping Sandi every once in a while so I don't feel so alone. ;) I miss your humming/singing. You kept the store a happy place with your songs. Our customers miss you too. You blessed so many of them. We have a few memorials around the store and your life is constantly touching others. Something only you could do. Not be here but still touch lives, I mean.

Today we have the most beautiful fluffy snow. If you had anything to do with that, thank you. Last year, if I remember right, it was ugly and over cast, followed by some of the most awful news I have ever received. Today, well it just reminds me of God's grace this past year.  Covering even the most awful circumstances with beauty.

I love you, Erin.

-Brit

"I sure miss you;

 Life will never be the same with you not here

Each passing day has brought much pain

But with God's grace my strength remains,

I sure miss you, 

but Heaven's sweeter with you there."

dear Erin

Dear Erin, 

Sometimes I do ok. And then it hits me all over again. 

The deep, exhausted sleep.

The eleven o'clock phone call.. The unbelief. The asking, "What did you say??"

The darkness. Oh, the darkness. Reading about Heaven, trying to realize it all. The numbness. The "whys??" You lying there in your pretty yellow dress. Not looking at all like my Erin. You, HOME, while we place your body in the awful CO dirt. 

Erin, I miss you. 

I still can't believe it's true. Exactly a year ago, you were alive. How can it be possible that you're gone. Really gone. That I won't see you as a bride, and then as a mommy. That my dear friend with eyes and a smile that went soul deep. . . how can you be gone, Erin? 

Your moms eyes. So like your own. When they fill with that deep longing for you. . . It's about all I can do to hold myself together. I want to get angry at God for taking you when we needed you so much. 

Since you have been gone I have gained so many new and beautiful friends, but Erin I hate that you had to go away for me to find them. Why couldn't I have had both?? Oh, Erin. . . I just miss you today.

I wonder if it will ever feel really soul deep real that you are gone. I wonder if I will ever not get viciously angry over nothing and everything. I wonder if this deep ache will ever dull.. I wonder if my brain will ever be normal again. 

One of your mom's friends told her that we weren't made to deal with death. I found that so comforting. YOu know in the Garden, God's plan wasn't for us to ever die. It was perfect and happy. Sin entered, and with sin came the awful separation called death. We have death because of sin. Death wasn't God's idea. I have often felt guilty for being so sad and for not being able to 'get over it'. But that set me free in a way. It set me free to mourn for you. I know God took you for a reason and I know HE IS STILL GOOD. But I also know that separations of this kind weren't His idea. I know that HE understands how painful this is and that He doesn't expect the consequences of sin to be easy. I know He holds me when the ache is something my whole body feels. He enters in to my suffering. He doesn't take it away. But He is there with me. No matter what. He is SO GOOD to me!!! 

Erin, I don't know how people are able to cope with death outside of God. I KNOW I am going to see you again. I know and feel that God is with me on this journey of suffering. How people face these trials without God. . . Oh Erin, I don't know how they do it. 

I miss you, Erin. I miss talking with you. Hearing you talk to the customers here at the store. Your beautiful and priceless giggle. Your spunk and how you were ok with just being you. Your heart for God and for others to find Him. I miss you dear, sweet girl. I can't wait to talk about life with you in Heaven. For you to show me your favorite spots, and to hear your giggle about your fun experiences there. 

I love you, Erin. Please tell my baby cousin 'hi' for me. 

-Brit