Hope

It's been a rough week. These words have brought hope and comfort to my aching heart. 

dear Erin

Dear Erin,

Today marks your first year in Heaven. I can't believe it's been a year. In fact, it's still hard to believe that you're really, really gone. A part of me doesn't want to write this letter,  it wants to snap my computer closed and hurl it out the window. Some people say that this letter doesn't matter anyway, that the people we write to can't read it anyway, but I think God will let you read it.

This year has been easier than I thought it would be. I guess easier than I wanted it to be. I mean you died, I won't see you until I die, or Jesus comes back. I miss you so much, but the black hole I expected to be in my heart isn't there. Mom says it's God's grace. I think she's right. I think I was imagining experiencing death apart from God.  Erin, I don't know how I would make it without God. Without the hope of seeing you again. . .  Oh! it would be awful. This year WAS hard. Don't get me wrong!! It was just different than I imagined it. I experienced more anger than I think I have ever experienced in my life. You know me, I often get upset, fly off the handle, etc. But this was different. This was a deep anger, an anger that would consume me over the stupidest stuff. People would probably say it was because I was angry at God. But honestly, it didn't feel like anger towards Him. Just anger. Anger I didn't completely understand. I miss you, Erin. There IS a hole in my heart. Just not a black hole. More like beautiful, light-filled hole. One that only your spirit could leave, and only God's grace could touch in comfort. I feel sooooooo blessed to have been able to know you. You taught me so much, Erin. To be comfortable in my own skin, to live life like it's a gift, to remember that I only live once, to reach out to others, especially the lost. I am a better person to have had you as my friend.

The store isn't the same without you, girl. You left me as the only mess maker. Thanks for bumping Sandi every once in a while so I don't feel so alone. ;) I miss your humming/singing. You kept the store a happy place with your songs. Our customers miss you too. You blessed so many of them. We have a few memorials around the store and your life is constantly touching others. Something only you could do. Not be here but still touch lives, I mean.

Today we have the most beautiful fluffy snow. If you had anything to do with that, thank you. Last year, if I remember right, it was ugly and over cast, followed by some of the most awful news I have ever received. Today, well it just reminds me of God's grace this past year.  Covering even the most awful circumstances with beauty.

I love you, Erin.

-Brit

"I sure miss you;

 Life will never be the same with you not here

Each passing day has brought much pain

But with God's grace my strength remains,

I sure miss you, 

but Heaven's sweeter with you there."

so much

She should be here. 

She should have been 

the one to trade work days with me 
because her best friend was coming to town. 

She should have been here 

giggling with Dani and I 

about snowmen in the trees. 

But she's not. 

She will never be here again. 

It hurts. 

So much.

dear Erin

Dear Erin, 

Sometimes I do ok. And then it hits me all over again. 

The deep, exhausted sleep.

The eleven o'clock phone call.. The unbelief. The asking, "What did you say??"

The darkness. Oh, the darkness. Reading about Heaven, trying to realize it all. The numbness. The "whys??" You lying there in your pretty yellow dress. Not looking at all like my Erin. You, HOME, while we place your body in the awful CO dirt. 

Erin, I miss you. 

I still can't believe it's true. Exactly a year ago, you were alive. How can it be possible that you're gone. Really gone. That I won't see you as a bride, and then as a mommy. That my dear friend with eyes and a smile that went soul deep. . . how can you be gone, Erin? 

Your moms eyes. So like your own. When they fill with that deep longing for you. . . It's about all I can do to hold myself together. I want to get angry at God for taking you when we needed you so much. 

Since you have been gone I have gained so many new and beautiful friends, but Erin I hate that you had to go away for me to find them. Why couldn't I have had both?? Oh, Erin. . . I just miss you today.

I wonder if it will ever feel really soul deep real that you are gone. I wonder if I will ever not get viciously angry over nothing and everything. I wonder if this deep ache will ever dull.. I wonder if my brain will ever be normal again. 

One of your mom's friends told her that we weren't made to deal with death. I found that so comforting. YOu know in the Garden, God's plan wasn't for us to ever die. It was perfect and happy. Sin entered, and with sin came the awful separation called death. We have death because of sin. Death wasn't God's idea. I have often felt guilty for being so sad and for not being able to 'get over it'. But that set me free in a way. It set me free to mourn for you. I know God took you for a reason and I know HE IS STILL GOOD. But I also know that separations of this kind weren't His idea. I know that HE understands how painful this is and that He doesn't expect the consequences of sin to be easy. I know He holds me when the ache is something my whole body feels. He enters in to my suffering. He doesn't take it away. But He is there with me. No matter what. He is SO GOOD to me!!! 

Erin, I don't know how people are able to cope with death outside of God. I KNOW I am going to see you again. I know and feel that God is with me on this journey of suffering. How people face these trials without God. . . Oh Erin, I don't know how they do it. 

I miss you, Erin. I miss talking with you. Hearing you talk to the customers here at the store. Your beautiful and priceless giggle. Your spunk and how you were ok with just being you. Your heart for God and for others to find Him. I miss you dear, sweet girl. I can't wait to talk about life with you in Heaven. For you to show me your favorite spots, and to hear your giggle about your fun experiences there. 

I love you, Erin. Please tell my baby cousin 'hi' for me. 

-Brit

6

6 months. . . 6 whole months. It's even a Tuesday. 6 months ago I was working with her. In some ways it doesn't feel that long. In others it feels like it's been forever.  Oh I miss her. . . Sometimes it feels like this couldn't have happened!! Not to us!! Stuff like this happens to other people, not to us. But it did happen, the ache in my chest is proof of that. I wish she would just come back, just for five minutes. . . 

". . . when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here"

Weak

I have this ideal of perfection--as in I need to be perfect in order to be loved or valued. In that ideal there also lies an ideal of strength--I need to be strong, a strong Christian, able to handle everything that comes my way, and make sure I don't bother God with too many things.

I have fallen VERY short of my ideals. I am currently the neediest, weakest, sometimes angriest, and least perfect person I know.

The past year has been so hard. My church went/continues to go through a really tough time, I had an identity change (from daughter of my parents, to wife of my husband), and my friend died. My soul feels like it's been through the wringer, then hung out to dry in the middle of a Colorado windstorm. Which is something my Abba knows I need more than anything. I have yet to find a place in the Bible where self sufficiency is commended. Where earthly perfection is possible. Where love is something you earn. Where value is found in something I do.

I struggle with being ok with where God has me right now. I just want to move forward to when I will  feel strong and well or back to when Erin was still alive. But I can't and it's wrong to pine for things I can't have. I need to accept where God has me, as awful and painful as it is because HE has chosen this  moment for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need and what I want. He knows sometimes my need and my want don't quite line up, and He is loving enough to give me what I need in those times. There is something for me to learn RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. Something I wouldn't learn if I was "perfect and strong", to KNOW that:

"I am a child of God.

I am the patient of the One Who came to heal the sick.

I belong to the the God who makes all things NEW, WHOLE, & COMPLETE"

and that to know that even though life is hard, GOD IS INCREDIBLY GOOD to me!

3 Months

3 months 

Does it hurt more? 

                . . . No

Does it hurt less?

                 . . . No

It still feels impossible. 

I still miss her. 

It still hurts. 

But I can breathe. 

And somehow that feels worse. 

What if I forget her?

What if she fades, vanishes from my memory?

But wait, forget her?!

The girl with a smile as brilliant as the sun? 

The girl who sang her way through life? 

Never!

                        . . . So I breathe. 

I miss you, Erin

"If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind

I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

The little things that seemed so small are now like gold in a memory vault

I cherish every one I have of you 

Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life 

I often see you in the things I do

 In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man 

As we would say goodbye to those so dear 

So with our family and friends we'll be together once again 

We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand"

 -Gerald Crabb 

Jesus, please give Erin a great big hug,

 let her know how much I love and miss her. 

-Brittany

16

I made it through most of the day feeling strong. But the deep, deep ache has found me again. It comes at the strangest times. When I expect it, it's not there. When I least expect it, it crashes into me and I can barely stand. Sitting somewhere quiet with my thoughts, that's about all I have the strength to do. Writing out my thoughts brings healing so here I sit again, in the quiet, writing my thoughts.

Just 1 short week ago, Erin was alive. It has been one week and about 3 hours since I saw her last. So hard to believe, it almost doesn't feel real. But the ache in my chest is there to remind me that it's real. Incredibly real.

Sixteen just seems too young to die. Erin had so many things she was going to do. She was so excited about them. In one instant, every one of those plans vanished. God had a better plan for her and I know she is so so so so so happy. I know that plan was beyond her wildest dreams. Knowing that I WILL see her again--something I cling to. I can't imagine not having that. I don't know how people make it in life without the hope of Heaven or the Grace of God. . . Erin was ready for whatever God brought into her life. I hope the same can be said of me. The seriousness of life has hit me pretty hard. EVERYthing I do echoes in eternity. I spend my life here on earth either preparing for eternity with God or for eternity without God. Every decision I make will lead me to 1 of two eternities. Do I live with that in the front of my mind?! If I don't, why don't I? It's serious stuff. Life is not something to be trifled with. We aren't promised tomorrow. I know life should be far more serious to me. Erin's death has made me think. A lot. Anyway.


I keep on saying I wouldn't wish her back and I mean it. But goodness, I miss her. Right now, I would just love to hear her voice. 

raw

Nothing prepares you to see your friend in a casket. Nothing prepares you for the separation of spirit and body. Nothing prepares you for the feeling of finality.

This week I have lived in a somewhat dazed state. Erin's death hasn't felt very real. We didn't see each other all that often, what with working different days so in some ways it was hard to feel real. But this afternoon, seeing her lying there, knowing that she wouldn't pop up and say,"Hey Brit, what are you doing here?" Yeah, the dazed state left and the reality has hit me like a load of bricks.

I want to throw myself on the ground and scream, "No, God, no!! I don't want to bury my friend. I want to hear her sing again. I want to repackage items at work with her again and hear her tease me about my messes and then hear myself tease her about hers. I want to know that I'm not the only one at the work that makes messes. I want to spend more time with her big heart!! God, I want her back!!! Why did you have to take her??? I don't get it!!!!!! Why?!? I just can't do this God. . . I can't bury my friend. . . It wasn't supposed to end this way."

I feel so raw. The tears won't stop pouring out of my eyes. The ache won't leave my heart. Knowing that tomorrow I have to watch them put her in the ground, and then cover her with dirt. . . oh it hurts.




{I hope if you are reading this, you will be gracious with me. Writing out what I am feeling is like therapy to me. I know it's not pretty but I hope you will try to understand.}

She's Still Gone

The posts this week are so completely different than I had planned. I had different photos for different days, all in an attempt to catch up. But everything changed in an instant. My dad called me around midnight Tuesday night to tell us that Erin went to be with Jesus. And my week has been topsy turvy ever since. Yesterday we (Mom, Sandi, and I) opened the store planning to be open all day. We were open for a half hour and decided we just couldn't do it. We cried at the sight of each other and cried when customers came in. . . it just didn't work. So we closed.

We decided to go to her house, take her family some flowers that were so Erin it almost hurt (bright and happy and beautiful), and then go to where her life ended to release balloons. Our attempt to let go of the little friend so full of life.

At her house, everyone was gathered in her bedroom. So that where we spent our time. Trying to find pieces of Erin to connect to and we did.

--Erin was going to start teaching Kindergarten in January. She was going to decorate her classroom in Dr. Suess characters. She had a big Cat in the Hat, clean up machine, which was going to be her cleaning chart. She had Thing 1 and Thing 2 holding her class rules. She had plans of making Cat in the Hat Hats for all her student. Even had the Red and White felt purchased. She had a darling RED dress made from Cat in that Hat fabric. She had all her kinds of fun little prizes picked out for her students, along with wrapping paper to wrap them up.  Erin, I would have loved to be in your class. You would have been such a fun teacher. . . Erin, why did you have to go?????

--She had a big, BIG, stuffed animal sitting on her bed. Something she got for her class but ended up using as a pillow. So comforting to hug it. . .

--on her mirror there was a 'sign' that said, "Women who behave rarely make history." So totally Erin we had to smile through our tears.

--Her Bible next to her bed. I looked through it and cried and cried. The verses she circled, were so evidently taken to heart. She lived those verses. The ones that stuck out to me the most were Galatians 6: 7-10

7	¶ Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8	For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9	And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10	As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

Her testimony could be summed up in those verses. She sowed well, and yes, sometimes she was weary but she held fast to the God who keeps His promises.

--one little 'sign' she had sitting on her book shelf said, "Life is not waiting for the storms to pass, it is learning to dance in the rain." She did that. Our little happy dancer. Erin, I'll try to dance but it's so hard right now. . . 

I had all kinds of little hopes and dreams for our relationship. In a couple years, I was hoping to watch her give herself to the man she loved so much. Then, I was gonna watch her little children grow, and she was going to watch mine. We were going to be friends and our children were going to be friends. We were going to laugh together over our silly children and our clumsy mistakes as moms. We were going to learn from each other, and pray for each other. . . and in one single moment, it's all gone. This is spoken from a heart who didn't know her extremely well, but who still considered her it's little buddy and friend, she honestly felt like a relation of some kind. . .  The people who knew her way better than I did, had even more hopes and dreams. I am struggling with anger and denial, but I can't imagine what all they are going through. Please, pray for them not me. Sure I am struggling, but I didn't lose a sister, a daughter, a 'girlfriend', or a best friend. I lost my friend but they lost so much more. . . 

Yesterday, Mom, Sandi, and I released balloons where she died. In an attempt to release her to her new life. We released 4, 1. to represent Erin, who has gone on to Heaven, and then 1 for each of us to release her from our hearts into Eternity.  The amazing thing is that one little balloon went off by itself, and the three that represented the hearts releasing her stayed together. A God thing really. Brings tears though. 

I know Erin is having so much fun right now. She is dancing with Jesus, singing her heart out, and keeping the angels laughing with her little antics. I wouldn't wish her back. But I am struggling with the whole she left in my life. It makes me so hungry for Heaven. A land where there are no goodbyes. The reassurance that I WILL! see her again is so comforting. I am so grateful for that. It makes the goodbye have hope. I know we will have endless ages together. I only hope I can live my life as well and as fully as she did. 

I love you, Erin. Miss you already, my dear.

Our Sweet Erin

My precious friend Erin is with Jesus now.  

I got to work with her yesterday, she died last night. I feel so honored to have been with her on her last day.  The thought of not seeing her again this side of Heaven. . . makes my heart ache so bad and the tears fall like rain. Please pray for her family. She had 4 little brothers and a very special bond with her parents.  I can't imagine how difficult this will be for them. So again I ask for you to keep them in your prayers.

 I am so glad I got to know you, Erin. So grateful for the time I had with you.  I am going to miss you, dear girl, and look forward to the day when I see your pretty face again.